Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Hate, Kill, Rock and Roll.

It was an appropriate ending to my fixation on LHG. Today's film class was...well something akin to five classes in one. I went there immediately after submitting my application for summer school, something that felt a combination of thrilling and setting myself up for defeat. I don't know if I want to do another year of school. I don't know if I can handle doing a thesis in film next year and I am NOT staying for two years! I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Anyway I went into class early and sat near the front so I could talk to Frank. We decided to shoot on Thursday and hopefully knock out both scenes we have left. We have little enough time left that it's really a necessity. While I was focusing on sorting out these details with Frank, she sat down in the seat behind me, unnoticed. I spotted her a few minutes before class began but only from the very corner of my eye and I only IDed it as her by hair color. It took about 10 minutes before I had confirmation when I turned around to give her the attendance list. I'm actually a little disturbed that I could tell it was her from just an indistinct blur of colors on the VERY periphery of my vision. Disturbed and proud of my visual accuity.

Anyway, with her presence behind me acting as an anchor I proceeded to watch the films that the professor played. They were astounding. We started off with this incredible 1920's documentary basically about recreation that had some really hilarious juxtapositions and great spots. During this film she tapped me on the back and handed me the attendance sheet to give to the professor. I wish I could say that the touch was electric and meaningful but frankly I was too wrapped up in the movie. It was just a few very faint taps on my back.

After that we moved on to Nanook of the North, which is another astounding film. The professor talked about how a lot of it was staged for the purposes of the film, but it's really well done and the scene where Nanook's entire family comes out of the Kayak that looks like it would hold like 2 people max is just plain hilarious. It's really sad to know that Nanook died of Starvation the next year.

During the film she kept hitting the back of my chair with her feet so I moved forward until my feet dangled off the platform I was on onto the level below. Despite this I leaned back in my chair at one point only to find my hands coming into contact with her sandals, she'd propped her feet up on my armrests. That's one of those things where in the case of most people you'd be sort of annoyed and feel like your space was being invaded but when it's a girl you're crushing on it's charming and eccentric.

During the break I was loitering in the hall, as I am wont to do, and the professor walked by. He asked my name and said that he'd enjoyed having me in his class. I'm not sure if this was just an empty comment, the giving of some approval to someone who made a lot of comments in class, or if it was sincere, but regardless it was nice.

After the break we went back into the classroom. She came down to her seat, but before sitting down she took down her hair and did a hair flip. I watched it in the periphery of my vision as I stared blankly at the wall. If I ever have to follow someone for the CIA I will send her a note of gratitude. She has done wonders for my ability to focus on peripheral vision. It was fitting to see one last flip of that absolutely gorgeous hair.

The next film shown was "Night and Fog." I'd never seen it, and it was just as horrific as I expected. A couple people laughed when they showed the various architectural styles of the concentration camps. Now I'm someone who thinks that you should be able to laugh at ANYTHING, even and including the Holocaust, but that just struck me as totally inappropriate. Watching the film was difficult but important. It portrays the Holocaust with a dispassion that creates an even stronger condemnation of it than any red-faced invective could. The fact that it does not specifically mention the Jews as victims is a good thing in my opinion. It focuses on the fact that they were neighbors and people first. They were plucked arbitrarily from society and slaughtered. The fact that the arbitrary selection process favored Judaism as a characteristic to select on is not as important as the scale and scope of what happened. The mountain of women's hair is one of the most horrible images ever commited to celluloid.

During the film I found myself recoiling in horror at what was on the screen, gasping to release the tension of seeing hundreds of my people naked, sticklike, and slaughtered. She leaned forward in her seat, so that our faces were almost parallel and I watched some of the ghastliest atrocities in human history with my face less than a foot away from that of (literally) my dream girl. I'm sure that's extremely healthy.

It did put things into perspective though, oh god how it put things into perspective. The little things matter a lot less when you know that had you been born 60 years earlier and in a different place you would have been marched into a gas chamber, scraped your fingernails off on the ceiling as you died, and fed into ovens so your ashes could be used for fertilizer. It's significantly worse than not getting all the film classes you want.

After Night and Fog ended we watched "High School" which is a hilarious documentary about a highschool in the 60's. It was a much needed relief from the darkness of the Renais documentary and contained some incredibly memorable scenes and characters. I had trouble getting into the film at first just because I was still recovering from Night and Fog, but eventually the sheer preposterousness of it overwhelmed me and I threw myself into laughing at it. In fact I overgesticulated, pantomiming in my seat and making what I thought were amusing comments under my breath. This was probably a combination of wanting to leave an impression on LHG and an attempt to wrest myself free from the shock and awe of Night and Fog, which had a deep impact on me. The movie was great. At points LHG and I were the only two people laughing at some of the brilliant visual plays. My absolute favorite was when the sex ed teacher was talking and the camera zoomed out to show that printed on the podium was an inspirational saying. The saying was about how anything you try you should put your full effort into.

LHG laughed a lot at the anti-promiscuity comments, which may imply that we have different values since I didn't think they were particularly more funny than a lot of the other stuff and were a lot LESS funny than several of the truly inspired moments, like when the principal was asking the kid on the phone if he had a hall-pass and the kid held up a finger telling him to wait. That's irrelevant though since this was, hopefully, the last time I will spend an extended period of time in her presence. There's still one section left on Monday but I will focus on chatting with Frank and Scott to the point where hopefully I won't even notice her, IF she attends. The fixation will fade with time and in a couple years there will be a new unattainable girl to pine after. This is as it should be. I will be glad to get past the humiliation of my existance and focusing my energies and fantasies on other things. The thoughts will fade into the background.

For this I am thankful.

After class I taught my GED course. It went pretty badly though I had a lot of students. I had a terrible headache and they were inattentive. I don't really care anymore, all of them are passing and I've done most of what I can do in this format to teach them. I'll do an extra good job next Tuesday and then I don't think I will teach over the summer though I may again in the fall.

The film class gave me a lot to think on. For one I am now deadset against the camps where we are holding Islamic men in Cuba. They are far too similar to concentration camps to be allowed to exist. Let the Media in, including Al-Jazeera, and show us that the claims of attrocities are lies. Remember that the claims of attrocities on the part of the Germans were denounced as lies when they first came to light. Resnais reminds us that it is far too easy to become complacent and allow horrible things to happen on your watch. No society is safe from commiting horrendous evils. No people is unimpeachable.

I also thought about the fact that my dumb ass never joined the video production club. I can't figure this one out except that I guess I assumed they'd have no use for someone like me. I doubt that's true in retrospect. The writing and art on campus is not at such a level that I can't compete. I may not blow Charlie Kaufman out of the water yet but I can at least bring some competitiveness to amateur hour.

Morris, one of my students, wants to become an actor/director. If that doesn't come through he'd settle for writing or drawing comic books. He's in his thirties and currently works at a factory. I am inspired by his dreams and how he works to try to achieve his goals. I wish I had that kind of gumption, as I have more advantages than he could ever hope for.

I'm tired now and I have to read two books by Friday morning. Aye Carumba!
At least the chronicles of LHG should be over in this journal.

There was much rejoicing. Not really, nobody cares.
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