I think I made the, or at least a, logical decision. I had very little time to figure out what to do, a few hours really, and no advice except from this one friend who was nice enough to talk it through with me. Times like this it would be nice to have a father. Well, times like this and every other kind of time there is. Times like this especially though.
The thought process was this. There are two routes that make sense for me right now. One is to continue my education, the other is to try to go out there in the world and get some experience. Both might lead to film school, or film-making, or nowhere. The thing is, only by being around film-makers am I going to figure out if it's something that I want to do. Being around somewhat marginal, and I don't mean artistically, I mean commercially, film-makers is probably an even better idea, that'll give me a view of the craft without the glamour or the money or any of that.
Then there's the fact that I'm tired of school. I've been in school for a whole lot of years and it's time for me to take a break and try to get out there into the world and actually do stuff. This is something I've felt for awhile now, and it really does make sense.
Then there's the $10,000. I don't know what to think about that. On the one hand it shouldn't REALLY matter to me, on the other hand it's not nothing. Ultimately what it came down to was feeling like this was a chance to try and go out there and check out the world, or to stay cloistered in the ivory tower only this time at personal expense. To pay rent on Rupunsal's room.
The classes weren't great anyway. I have the filmographies and the books. There was little time for lecture or discussion. I can study up on most of this stuff on my own, except the pitching stuff, which is not really art anyway. I can pick up commercial skills after I have something to market.
The internship won't be perfect either. Documentary is not what I want to do, but a lot of people start in one area and then branch off to another. I just want to be out there with cameras and scripts and to see how professionals work.
I honestly don't know what the right decision was. I couldn't think as straight as I'd have liked because of feelings of betrayal and resentment towards the person who gave me the wrong information to begin with. The funny thing is that if I had known the truth in advance I probably would have signed up for the classes and then dropped one or two and paid for the rest afterwards. Having taken a week of all of them I balked though, and I decided to try a road that I haven't been traveling on for years.
The youth bug still bites at me. I worry that the extra year or two that this may add on to my pre-graduate life will make me an old man in a field populated by infants. I can't let irrational worries influence my decisions though, and I don't even know that this will tack on any time anyway. Both the programs I want to get into say that you don't need an academic background to be accepted. If I do well enough to be given some responsibility this might turn out to be a better decision in terms of getting in than taking classes would be. I can still maybe take a class or two during the fall to bolster my portfolio in that way. I still have options. It's not game over man.
Am I upset? Sure. It's difficult to adjust this quickly. I'm just going to ride it out, try to enjoy the Memorial day weekend, and then worry about the rest of my life on Tuesday. Maybe I'll write something this weekend, who knows I might end up not even liking film as much as I do writing. Perhaps the written word is my fate, although I'm going to avoid falling into the trap of thinking I'm the next Shakespeare and living with an Ex-con who already has children in Florida. It's pretty easy to get dragged into that but knowing is half the battle, and the other half mostly consists of not going to Florida. I think I can swing that.
The decision was logical, I believe that no matter the consequences. It may even have been the better decision. Who knows, maybe I'll turn out to be such a natural that I won't need film school and I'll rise to the top like the cream I secretly believe myself to be. If not there are always other options. I'll miss being around people my own age, but that's okay. I never related to them that well anyway.
The truth is I've taken far far worse lumps in my life, and I'm getting to the point where I can deal with the rough stuff decently well. I am still young, still 22 even though that number seems a whole lot bigger than it would have a few generations ago, and still capable of success. I'll believe that if I say and write it enough times. Really I will.
Life is what happens when you're expecting something else. Well, here's a nice big heap of life dumped into my lap. What matters now is how I deal with it.