Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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That's okay man cause I love god.

On the nfl.com frontpage there's a link that says "Click here for all your NFL golf needs." How many NFL golf needs could anyone have? Do they ever get emails saying "Well you filled SOME of my NFL golf needs, but not all of them. Liars."?

I am cosmically bored right now. I've tried writing and watching the TV and a bunch of other stuff. Even reading. The problem is that I'm too tired to really engage with anything, but not tired enough to conk out. I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning refreshed and ready for the day. The other problem is that my thigh hurts. Badly. I have these really ugly sores on my right thigh that make it hurt when I walk, or wear pants. A surprising number of activites have on of those two things as a pre-requisite.On the one hand it's a good sign that I actually wish I could go out and do something on a Saturday night, as for the longest time I've been totally satisfied with sitting around at home whacking off, either literally on figuratively. On the other hand it sucks because I'm bored NOW and want to DO something. I do have the Blue Collar Comedy Tour on TV, and it's okay (Ron White is the best of the bunch), but I wish there was someone around to hang out with. Urghh... frustration. I want to go out for a walk or a ride but it'd hurt too much and I should let this sore heal. Gahnana.

You know, what I really wish I had was a group of buddies with some sort of creative abilities to hang out with. I'm tired of being the funniest guy in the room. Would I take them over an Elizabeth Hurley impersonator with low standards and a clean bill of health? Probably not. I'm trying to be a little bit realistic here though.

I click on random links when I'm bored like this. There's a link on O'Reilly's website that leads to a website with listings for military singles. In the search function it gives two options. Straight man or straight woman. I used to think "Don't ask don't tell" kind of made sense. Now I just shake my head, mutter "fucking hicks" under my breath, and move on.

I almost tried to start an argument with iconoclast about the fact that the political dialogue in this country is so corrupted that it's rather pointless to try and discuss it, but I stopped myself. The truth is that the right wing has become a dishonest shill for the rich and morally bankrupt. They peddle traditionalism as a cheap advertising tactic to try and make this country into a plutocracy. They're doing a fine job of it but you can't talk to dishonest plutocrats. Not without a platinum plated bullhorn anyway.

I decided to do a personality profile on Eharmony.com on a lark (I already mentioned that I'm incredibly bored, right?) It took awhile and was okay, as those things go. I answered honestly and openly, although I didn't exactly agonize over the tough decisions. At the end of the thing it said "We're sorry, but we're unable to match you. There's about 20% of the population that really shouldn't be around other people, and if we were to inflict you on an innocent bystander we could be liable in civil, or even criminal, court." Okay, it wasn't quite that blatant, but it came pretty close. Definitely the internet equivalent of backing away slowly with a forced smile while reaching under the counter to try and trip the silent alarm. I secretly suspect that they 'time profiled' me (So he's trying to sign up for an online matching service at around 10:30 PM on a Saturday night. Oh yeah, probably a great catch. Nothing says "winner" like sitting home alone at night in your underwear pathetically trolling the internet for love.) I wouldn't be surprised if it was just my sparkling personality that put them off though. I'd like to think that right now in the Eharmony headquarters there's a siren blaring and a technician shouting "Holy shit, we've got another one."

"Did you send out that 20% are unmatchable bullshit?"

"Yep. This is bad though. The last one I saw that was this bad belonged to Ted Kaczynski, and if he hadn't put down 'blowing up those who consort with the blasted technocracy,' 'living alone in a filthy shack' and 'figure skating' as his three favorite things in the world we might have been able to find him a mate. Seriously, what straight male puts down 'figure skating'?"

"Let me see that return. Sweet Christ on the cross. I know we had to lay off our team of corporate assassins after the .com bubble burst, but if we still had them on staff I'd be sending them out tonight. This poor bastard needs to be put out of his misery. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight."

Of course the worst part of it is that the fucking form takes so long to fill out. It's like 40 minutes of building hope followed by "Yeah, we don't think that you're suited for a relationship with a 'female human.' Let me give you the URL of Pets.com. You might be able to find a living organism there that can't run screaming into the night from you, legally."

I don't care, I was just fucking around, but there's the potential for some very pissed off desperate people there. Frankly, if I was Eharmony I would be worried. They're irritating a demographic that doesn't have a whole lot better to do with its time than strike back at the website that spurned it. God knows they're not spending their evenings swapping spit or sweet nothings with a pretty young thing in a floral print dress.
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