Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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How does a duck know what direction South is?

I feel great I feel awful I feel numb. Physically I feel pretty good. This morning I got out and did another walk, I feel energetic and sharp (or at least I did, after the exercise I needed sleep badly, and got some. I'm not sure what that was about.) I'm starting to adjust to my new circumstances. I was all set to write the first part of the story that's formed in my head today, but it's been tough because of the reason that I feel awful, which is Ebbie. That's the name of my cousin who had the stroke. I've had no new news on him, but it's very upsetting. He was SO vibrant and such a great guy. I didn't know him that well, but I would've liked to, and now this seems unlikely. It's not something that's making me consciensly miserable, but more something flitting around in the back of my mind dragging me down.

I bought and read most of the Economist today. Not my favorite magazine of all time. It had a very depressing article about how people's performance declines after their 30's, and how this is true for writers musicians and other artists as well. (They claimed in both quantity and quality, which seemed odd to me. How does one measure the quality of writing, and if one is a smarmy little shit of a 30 year old journalist, wouldn't one NATURALLY proclaim that works done by people in their 30's are better? Heck wouldn't one tend to PREFER works done by someone near your own age, because of the issues they address?) Of course it's not true across the board, Charlie Kaufman wrote Adaptation in his 40's, Larry David is closing in on 60 and still going strong with Curb your Enthusiasm (He started with Seinfeld in his 40s), and there are a lot of other examples. Of course this has added fuel to the eternal blaze of my horrid youth obsession, and now I feel over the hill. I mean it'll take 6-7 years for me to hone my stuff to the point where it's actually good, then another 5 to work my way through bureaucracy and up the ladder to actually have a chance to get it out there, and them BAM! Over the hill. And that's if things go WELL! Of course I shouldn't think ahead that far, duh, and someone said to me today that worrying about how good something will be before you've done it is like checking the scoreboard before the game's begun (true) but it still needles me. What can I say? I'm easy.

I'm having an argument with poor benighted blazepoet who believes that faith in science is somehow better than faith in religion. While I'd agree that it's more realistic, I think that faith in science can be just as dangerous, and often is just as foolish. The fact of the matter is that much of science has to be taken on faith. There are very few people in the world who understand both complicated cell biology and quantum physics, and those that do often have other areas where they are at least somewhat lacking. Thus we take it on faith that the scientists who are doing the work we don't understand or don't have time to read are being forthright and competent. This is quite often not the case. Recently it was discovered that Spinach is not nearly as healthy as people once believed, that rumor started by a stray decimal point in a laboratory measurement. There are tons of examples like that. The people who flew in the Challenger had faith that science and engineering would deliver them into space and back safely.

Kaboom.

The truth is that we don't KNOW that gravity won't reverse itself tomorrow, or that the sun will rise, or even that we won't turn into cockroaches Kafka style. Science is just faith with a reasonable explanation behind it, but reality is an unpredictable motherfucker, and it does what it pleases. We are all at the mercy of the universe, and what happens happens. Our minds can betray us, frozen shit can drop from airplanes and crush our daughters out in the field, two twins can be struck by lightning within an hour of each other while thousands of miles apart. I used to torture myself over this. I would go to sleep not trusting that I'd ever wake up, not knowing whether Geiger's Alien would burst from my chest in the morning and leave my bloody corpse on the bed like a discarded overcoat. Eventually I learned that it was pointless to worry about such things and that you can't live your life worried about the unlimited possibilities that this world possesses. Who knows, we might even find out that next time we try to add one and one we get three. There's no such thing as possibility, there's only reality. If it's real, it's possible. If it's not, then it's waiting in the wings. This is the reason that I'm agnostic, even though I have VERY strong atheistic leanings. It's not ENTIRELY impossible that there's some bitchy god up there fucking with us all and doing his damndest to hide his existance from right thinking people.

I need to start doing weight-lifting to preserve muscle mass and cooking to gain a skill and eat better. I am noting this down now but it will probably take awhile for me to successfully execute these plans. That's the kind of person I am.

Manute Bol was seriously injured in a car crash. I'm not sure what else to say about that. He was once going to be the tallent Jockey ever, but that fell through. Now he might never get the chance.

What I need most in the world is the focus, confidence and discipline necessary for me to actually pursue the things that I want in the world. Those are things that have to come from within, I know, but they're hard for me. I'm starting to write the things I want to, and I know they will be bad, at least the first draft. That's okay though, practice makes better. Some days I feel like just giving up, but I don't know what else I would do. I've had success in the wrong areas and failures in all the right ones. It's perplexing and annoying.

Meanwhile I'm amusing myself with strange questions and thoughts. Like did Ray Charles prefer making love with the light on or off? Did he even know? What do Lemmings taste like?

I need a life.
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