Emotionally clenched like an anus in a prison shower.
Interviews are always difficult for me. It's hard for me to sell myself since I don't want to promise more than I can deliver, and I have to remember to maintain my social composure and act like a normal human being capable of social discourse, rather than myself. Today I went down to a place in Little Italy and had two interviews for potential positions, as well as possible further contacts. The first one was with a friend of a family friend, and I thought it went well. We had tea for about an hour and chatted about her projects, my background, and my philosophy on a few things. I think I came off as educated and funny. One thing I've noticed as I've matured is that I'm better at tailoring my humor to different situations. After we finished talking she introduced me to some other people in the building. One guy had an opening that would be ideal. Festival liaison and personal assistant to him at his small production company. I don't think I made as good an impression on him because I was surprised at the interview (it hadn't been planned) and didn't have time to prepare myself. I might have been picking at my nails too, which is a disgusting habit that I usually reserve for my own home. There were some positives. I made him laugh multiple times, which is always a good thing. It's hard to have an overwhelmingly negative view of someone who makes you laugh. He told me that he usually decides whether he will hire someone in the first 30 seconds, and then talked to me for another 4-5 minutes and told me to send him my resume and call him on Monday. I don't know if that means I'm on the edge or he thinks I'd be good or whether it's just a courtesy and being thorough but I sent the resume and I intend to offer my services for free on a trial basis on Monday, since I'd really like this job. It's EXACTLY what I've been looking for. If I don't get it I'll try to avoid being crushed and regretting my behavior. I tend to be a bit more self-critical than is necessarily wise. There are other opportunities out there, and if not I can always join the world of Japanese furniture sales. My Social Security card arrived today so I'll get my learner's permit tomorrow. Once I have my license I can re-interview for that location scouting job. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that I'm young. I think sometimes that I feel pressured because emotionally I'm older than I am chronologically. For example when talking to the people today, in their 40's and 50's, I felt more comfortable than I do talking to people in their 20's. I relate really well to older folk, partially due to my upbringing, which involved a lot of cocktail parties, and I think that I conflate the normal confusion of youth with a mid-life crisis. The fact of the matter is that some people don't know what they want to do, and many don't get a chance to do it, until they're in their 30's. Jim Jarmusch was 27 when he made a student film. I'm 22. That's a 5 year difference. Do you know how much has happened in the last 5 years of my life. I shouldn't act like I'm 45 and under a ton of pressure. That's just silly, and not cool. It's not what Jim Jarmusch would do. It's not Jarmuschy in the least.
These last couple of days are a good example of why I'm glad this journal has a relatively small readership. God I was self-involved and depressed. I feel better now, as I knew I would, but I had to write depressing and unhappy entries, and lots of them, to help me purge the emotions. It always embarrasses me in retrospect, spilling my miserable guts like that. I don't know why anyone would want to read that, and I don't want to inflict my unhappiness on others. That's not how I prefer to roll.
I'm starting to feel better and though this week was rough it did help me appreciate how far I've come. I gained a bit of weight this week and had some very bad days, but I think I'll be able to undo that over the next few days and become a relatively stable person once more. I may even be able to write.
Right now I want to go for a nice long walk and unwind a bit. I'm always wound after these interviews, replaying my mistakes and worrying about the future. I know I shouldn't be, but it's not in my character to be relaxed and focus on the positive. What can I say? Despite looking dead sexy in a safety helmet I still have my flaws. Nobody's perfect. Not even Jim Jeffords. You probably thought I'd go with Jarmusch there, but I didn't. Sneaky sneaky.