Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
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The end of summer

Dateline Crawford TX, August 31 2004

During an impromptu stop at his ranch in Crawford, president Bush announced that he was introducing legislation to make sure that after the end of this summer in three weeks time there would not be another one. Citing economic and social factors in the decision he said that the proposed legislation would combine the three non-winter months into one 9-month long season known as Sprautumn, which would last from March 22 through September 21. He said that if passed this bill would provide an immediate economic boost to the calendar industry, as well as helping to shut up all those "Sciency people" who have been complaining about global warming. "Those of you which don't like this decision can send your complainerings to them." Said Bush. "They don't like warm weather? Fine, we'll eliminerate it. Let's see how they like it then."

Global warming isn't the only reason for this radical shift in seasonal policy. According to President Bush there are many compelling reasons to do away with summer. "For one it makes people lazy. Have you ever been to a beach? I went to one down in Florida during a long weekend I took away from presidenting to work on my campaign and my tan. How are we supposed to get this economy rolling up the right direction when Americans are just lazing around on the beach like a bunch of clams or some other Molloosk? It was a perfectly good Saturday afternoon and America's factories stood empty so that people could just lie around and bake underneath the sun. Now I've heard that you need sunlight to keep your supply of vitamin D up so you don't get sick, but I don't believe it. Vice President Cheney hasn't been exposed to direct sunlight in 13 years and he's doing fine. This is just more nonsense from the liberal doctors. If you want vitamin D we'll genetically modify it into the ham. It's not rocket scientry, people. Let's get rid of summer and get these Americans back to work!"

Other reasons cited for ending summer included the morally reprehensible nature of summer movies, some of which include sexuality or foul language in addition to the wholesome violence. The president condemned liberal Hollywood for its encouragement of dangerous behavior in impressionable young people and for speaking out against the war in Iraq in what he labeled as "an unAmerican, unpatriotic, unmannered manner." He lamented the crass nature of summer rock festivals and the like and stated that he was looking forward to a television season that lasted for 52 weeks out of the year, since he wouldn't have to wait 3 months to find out what's going on with Ryan and the gang on the O.C.

When reached for comment about the impact that the elimination of summer would have on the environment Mike Leavitt of the EPA said that he was sure that it would only be positive, since animals can't stand the sweltering heat any better than humans can, and that he would "Be out on his ass like Christine Todd [Whitman]" if he said anything critical of the Administration. He then hid under his desk because he "thought he saw Condi walking by and she wouldn't like me talking to you people. Get out of my office. Now."

Vice President Cheney also had an opinion about the proposed elimination of summer from his lair in Mordor where he was "interrogating" an enemy combatant about the location of "The one true ring, I MEAN Osama Bin Laden. Don't print that first part. Pretty please with the dismembered limbs and genitals of your wife and children lying in a pool of your mother's blood on top." Cheney stated that he believed it was a good first step towards eventually shrouding the entire world in darkness, which would "Make it harder for the terrorists to see where they were going. If the terrorists have daylight to drive by then they win, you know." He also pointed out that the elimination of Summer would be a great boon to the oil and gas industries, "Which have absolutely no connection to terrorism OR the war in Iraq whatsoever. We've pretty much confirmed that." He pointed out that "Technically September 11th took place during the Summer so if president Clinton had had the guts to do this maybe that tragedy could have been prevented." He agreed with president Bush about the economic benefits, pointing out that while he'd never worked a weekend himself he'd supervised plenty of people who had and he'd never heard them complain about it, because if they had he would have "Slowly shorn their skin off their body and made a nice hat out of it." He also pointed out the health benefits, pointing out that skin cancer kills thousands of Americans every year, and "With what we've done to the environment people should be a lot more worried than they already are about that." Cheney cut the interview short when he realized what time it was and that the sun would be rising soon, forcing him to retreat to a coffin in the corner of his office tastefully decorated with two handfuls of Wyoming soil.

It is unclear whether the proposed legislation plans to eliminate summer by building a giant sun-shield over America a la Mr. Burns from The Simpsons or merely declare the temperature 30 degrees lower than it actually was and jail anyone who dared to say different.
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