Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Creepy guys aren't born. They're made.

I thought about titling this entry "How to make a monster" but that's the name of a cheesy movie that plays sometimes on Showtime and it would be counter to one of the points I wish to make, which is that geeky creepy guys are not monsters, or even people with genetically determined psychological weirdness. All too often they are just oddballs who suffer from the unfortunate malady of craving normality.

I could have called it "In defense of weirdos" but I don't really want to defend them. Just explain them. I also don't want to place blame. I want to explain and to exorcise a few of my own demons.

The seeds of creepdom are sown in adolescence. This is key. Genetics and childhood play a part, but mostly in how they prepare a young male for the pre to mid-teen years. A kid who has grown up studying naval battles and computer code instead of button hooks and full court presses is more likely to become a creepy guy, but he is not yet stamped with the scarlet C. He can still recover. No the dice of creepdom are cast at a very specific point in a young man's life, and not before.

The time when a young man is susceptible to becoming a creepy dude is the point when he and most importantly his peer group start to realize that girls are good for things other than throwing frogs at or copying homework from (Not that they don't remain good for those things, women remain reasonably good to throw frogs at well into their 30s) This is a time of great awkwardness and confusion for just about everybody as the two sexes struggle to come to terms with one another, and do so at different rates and times. Throw in changing bodies, hormonally influenced minds, alterations in the social contract at school and with parents, and the relentlessly pernicious pressure of popular culture and it's a shock whenever anybody gets to adulthood without battle scars. Most don't.

The potential creepy guy has strong feelings in his special area towards girls. Maybe a girl in particular. Usually a popular one who he knows is unattainable, but to the extreme disappointment of every human being anywhere we don't get to choose who we are attracted to. The thing is, when he tries to express these feelings he botches it. Maybe he forgets the cardinal rule of frog throwing and love, which is that if you are going to love a girl you best not throw frogs at her for at least a few months before and after you make your move. So creepy guy makes his move, or doesn't, and gets rebuked. Only the rebuke isn't the normal "No thank you" that one would expect in the kind of civil and caring society that High School isn't. Instead he gets not only openly mocked but gets it made quite clear to him that not only are his advances unwanted but that he is a grotesque monster who no female in his right mind would come near, let alone engage in nighttime activities with.

Sometimes people try and cheer him up. They sit next to him and say "Don't worry, there's someone out there for anyone, even you." That 'even you' cuts like the razor in Un Chien Andalou . It's ostracizing.

And so you're left with a choice. It's not a binary choice but it's a pretty clear one nonetheless. You can withdraw from potentially romantic contact with women, you can try to become cool enough that women will no longer consider spending time with you worse than contracting flesh-eating bacteria, or you can soldier on and seek love regardless, a brave soldier on the losing side of destiny. I chose #1. Internalize your disgustingness, learn to masturbate, fantasize relationships and love, read sappy books like Enchantment in private and sublimate.

I'm in good company. Many great artists and writers have been totally inept when it comes to women. Newton never had sex. Nietzsche couldn't get laid in Amsterdam with a hundred dollar bill, or maybe he did and that's why he died of Syphilis (although white might groups insist it was brain cancer and poor Friedrich was a victim of those motherfucking anti-Nazi smearmeisters)

It's a lonely and introverted life in many ways. You just cut off a whole section of the complex tapestry that is human social interaction. In some ways it's like sawing your arm off to escape a bear trap. I've acted asexual in public for many years and it's worked in some ways. It's saved me from rejection, for the most part, and allowed me to focus on things other than pursuing the fair skinned ones. On the other hand it's been emotionally stunting in some ways, and yes, lonely. I was never someone who had a great desire for sex or multiple partners. I liked fantasy novels and happily ever after more than Shaft and his bevy of beauties. Well the knight and lady model isn't realistic, but while sheer sexual desire can to some degree be defrayed by pornography and strippers and prostitutes if you want to go that route the concept of support and partnership are much harder to simulate. Impossible really. So in exchange for independence and protection you give that up. It's a tough deal, and while it's reversible to some degree it's not necessarily easy. Like any living tissue separated from the body that arm in the bear trap starts to rot and turn foul. It gets harder and harder to attach with each passing year. Other people learn relationship skills and build a portfolio of experiences to draw upon. You sit around on Saturday nights and if it's a good day you get some writing done.

If it's a bad day you watch TV and eat too much cheesecake and fantasize about a world where there'd be someone beautiful for you to dance with. Good or bad it's the option I chose. #1 of the three.

#2 is pretty simple. It's just an attempt to change yourself until you fit in with some group. To the geeks who have accomplished this I salute you. Wild success works. Losing the weight, buying the new wardrobe, working on the stutter, whatever else you need to do works too. Finding a group where you DO fit in can work. Some guys get dragged from potential creepdom by not so cool women who see something worthwhile in them and set about rebuilding them like they were a poor woman's Lee Majors, and that's that. There's not much more to be said about the #2s. There is no one formula to becoming one but it is possible.

Then you have the creeps. These are guys who are unwilling to chew their arms off to escape the bear trap of their desire but unable to do what it takes to become palatable to women. So they are left pursuing girls who don't want them. This causes excruciating pain, especially when a girl chooses to play with one of them briefly like a cat with a mouse, gets him to do what she wants or uses him to prop up her ego a bit before moving on to a more appropriate mate.

The creeps become persistent. They think that saturation bombing, either asking everyone out or asking one girl out many many times may result in success. Some of them eventually learn and graduate to #2s. Many remain pitiful creatures, chasing after girls who will never be interested in giving them the time of day until they shrivel up and become #1s or something more sinister. Something that decides that when dating advice books/websites don't work maybe force will. Whatever happens the pain and frustration of unattainable desire changes them, and often not for the better. There are many things that can never be achieved in this world no matter how hard you work or how much you sacrifice. Everlasting life, global peace, unbreakable trust, the quest for those things has undone many men, but nothing has undone as many as the quest for the unattainable woman. She is dangled in front of you on television or three seats down in your second period class or wherever else those graceful creatures are found. You're told that she can be attained if only you're smart or funny or charming enough. You're told a lot of bullshit about the psychology of the female. Only some of it has even a grain of truth in it.

I don't pity the creeps, they're annoying others in a pointless quest to satisfy their own desires, but I can't hate them either and I'm always happy when one of them succeeds, no matter how rare that is. Many of my friends have been creeps, and whether they're threatening a girl's date at the prom for daring to spend time with HIS woman or calling a woman's house and lying to her father so he can speak to her, they never mean to cause the harm they do.

I think that's even true for some of them who do things that are much much worse. I'm not trying to excuse the behavior, and I won't engage in it, I'd rather sit armless in my fortress and hope that some maiden rides by on a snow white horse and asks me to slay a dragon for her, but it's understandable. Most creeps aren't creeps because they were born that way, or because they're so egotistical that they don't know that it's bad form for a married man in his 50s to hit on his host's daughter who is in her 20's, but rather because they lack the skills to obtain women legitimately or the mentality to give them up entirely.

Inside many creeps is a kind decent fellow trying to get out. I think it's important to remember that in your dealings with them. Let them down easy. They've already been let down hard so many times that if their faces bore the scars that mar their hearts they'd look like Jigsaw from the old Marvel comics.


This entry written under the influence of a little Glenmorange scotch and a lot of Frank Sinatra.
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