It’s not about sex.
Now this same friend and I also tend to refer to each other as “darling” and “honey,” as well as occasionally saying things like “you have such a beautiful ass” to one another. This is for much the same reason. We’re both heterosexual and I believe pretty comfortable in that identity. Faux gay comments are both kind of funny to us in a sort of in-joke way, and another way at sticking our middle fingers up at society’s anti-gay biases. Women are allowed to display affection and make comments towards one another without it being assumed that they are lesbians, but god-forbid a man give another man a hug. Also why are men so afraid of being perceived of as gay? Sure it sucks if a woman whose pussy you want to penetrate thinks that you’re into cock, but as long as that’s not a possibility (largely because there aren’t any around) it shouldn’t matter how others perceive your sexuality. In fact she initially thought I was gay, and that bothered me but only on the same level as someone thinking I used to be a jock does. I prefer to be seen for who I actually am, as do most of us.
There’s another element to the faux lovey-dovey crap from my side too. Lacking a true object of affections to lavish attention upon (which you’re not supposed to do anyway, I know, but that’s a different issue) I tend to play at it and act out. This is in part because I’m making a real and concerted effort to be more honest and open in all my interactions. I used to lock away large parts of myself and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’d rather be exposed as the raw and miserable person I can be than hide behind a shield of respectability and dishonest disinterest. We have X amount of years on this earth, I’d like to at least get to know myself during whatever period I end up with.
The truth is that I think of myself as at times too serious of a conversationalist. I try very hard to avoid inane and pointless conversations, although they do crop up from time to time with me as they do with everyone (Today Gabe and I had about an hour of totally meaningless speech where we just fell into a pattern of sarcastic and uninteresting conversation. Eventually we were jarred out of it, but it is regrettable.) Talking about sex excessively is not something I want to be doing. I also don’t want to be pedantic or overly depressing and like anyone else I try to match what I’m saying to what the people around me seem to want to talk about. The person we were eating with today wasn’t very good at this and I feel like I was being told that I wasn’t doing a good job either. I’m disappointed by that.
I know I can be socially inept in a lot of ways. In addition to oversexing the conversation I made a few too many holocaust jokes (something I do because I believe that mocking racism and the like, even horrific events of the past, is a good way to combat it. People who take racial theories seriously deserve to be laughed at, even if they were incredibly successful at enacting their gruesome agenda, as old Adolph was) I’m always trying to improve. If I offend or upset I’d rather do so out of honesty than rote response and I’d like to avoid being inane when doing it. Earlier in the week I called someone condescending and self absorbed. The person I was talking to said that the same could be said of me. The thing is, I like to think of myself as sensitive and self-deprecating as well. I'm an equal opportunity asshole and I can take it as well as I can dish it out. If that's not an accurate self-image I'd like, one way or another, to align reality better with my perception of it. It's important to me to be an asset to a group or conversation rather than a burden.
I failed this weekend, but I shall succeed in the future.
Way in the future.