Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Crossroads

Over the last couple minutes I've been thinking about last night and what it meant. While I do feel bad about hurting someone I considered a friend, I also feel proud of what I did. I went in there and I was raw and real and I pressed issues and I fucking exposed myself to criticism and anger and pain and let stuff fly. Someone later commented that the writer's group had become like a reality show, and while that's a silly little pop-culture reference it's one I've heard a lot in reference to stuff I've been involved with, even before reality shows got big. The thing is, I don't need contrived situations and video cameras to 'get real' and try to reach the core of relationships and anger and emotion. I hate politeness and pleasant veneers. Every situation I go into I ask the question "What could be gained by blowing this thing up and setting fire to the rubble?" I think that politeness and pleasantness are a poison because they make people pretend things are okay when they aren't, and then the things that aren't okay get channeled into places much more destructive than yelling and shouting and hurt feelings. War is driven partially by inadequacy. So is murder. I'd rather tell a black person to his face "I'm not comfortable with you fucking a white woman, even though intellectually I know it's absolutely fine and acceptable" than deny him a job to hide my shame at my socially derived tendencies.

I want to press the issue and force confrontation because it's only through confrontation that we really deal with and process the subconscious things that control our lives. You can't defeat what you don't acknowledge. It's like a deeper version of Fight Club. What can you really know about yourself if you haven't been in a fight? What can you really know about yourself if you haven't been wounded hurt affected made to cry, all that stuff. I think social interactions should be MORE like boxing matches, people wounding and bruising one another and then lying around panting and talking about it afterwards. That would eliminate so much of the sublimated aggression that turns itself into the truly bad things in our society. Remember that comfortable suburban life was built on racism and ostracism of outsiders and others. Sameness and shared values are seductive but they mask the deep pain and trauma that comes with merely being a human being in an unfair world.

I don't like hurting people though. It's my main stumbling block. I know that you have to bruise and bloody to make a difference but in trying to do that you are going to hit people who are just going to get hurt and not understand what you're saying and not get the benefits. You're going to wound without healing afterwards, and that sucks. I need to make the decision either that I'm going to go all out and do what I have to do, feeling bad for those I hurt but moving on, or shut up and either become a lawyer or write nice little stories about puppies finding their mothers on god's beautiful and just earth.

Either way will have its own pains and personal growth.

Last night after it all went down the group leader was getting herself a drink and she said, with some anger, "I'm on your side" (I didn't really want people to 'take my side' because I don't need the support) "But what you did, saying that word while sitting next to a lone black woman in a room like this, that was ballsy. That took serious fucking balls." I think she meant it in a bad way, sort of 'I know what you were going for, but HOW DARE YOU?' I see it as a good thing. I like being ballsy and brave and bucking convention. We learned a lot from the experience. We learned about discomfort, we learned about one another in the group, and we learned about the racism that WAS there. The woman who ran out was racist because she believed a white person couldn't write nasty racist rhetoric if he didn't agree with it at some level, and whatever racism I have I certainly don't agree with what the character said. Those of us in the room were racist both before (because everyone is) and after, because we assumed her reaction was in part because she was a black woman and not because of the SPECIFIC person she was. That's very important, a lot of other black women would have dealt with it differently.

It may be because I'm seriously obese, but I feel like our time on this planet is SO limited and I'm DESPERATE, craving and NEEDING to learn and experience everything I can while I'm here. I want to understand and to gain insight and to think and to speak and interact and know and have encounters. Maybe it's in part because of my depression where I didn't want those things. I have YEARNINGS! Deep needs, and I know that there are choices all around us and nobody can experience and feel everything. For example I've never experienced sex, but I'm experiencing what it's like to be a virgin in your mid-twenties watching everyone else around you get laid. That's something in and of itself, something you CAN'T experience if you've had sex earlier in life. On the other hand, I'll never know what it's like to be 17 and flush with hormones and fucking a girl I think I love. You can't backtrack like that.

My main goal is to have as few predictable days and evenings as possible. I don't want to get drunk and go hit on chicks I want to create and explore and internally grow. It's more about an attitude than what you actually do. Deprivation is its own experience, as I've said. I'm desperate both to do this and to express it. It's why I can have the balls to do what I did and why I don't think I'll end up writing puppy stories. Who really thought I would?
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