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Here there be monsters
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News Brief

Gays are destroying social security.

News out of Washington today is that President Bush’s office has issued a statement accusing gays of being responsible for the fiscal insolvency of the nation’s Social Security system. for one thing, gays don’t have children, or at least they shouldn’t. Their hedonistic lifestyle deprives the government of future payroll taxes, said department spokesman Alan Lyre. Mr. Lyre also pointed out that the vast majority of gays that the office was aware of were engaged in cash business such as cabaret and hairdressing, and often underreported their income thus avoiding payroll taxes. It was also pointed out that condom use among homosexuals had extended their life expectancies, thus increasing the costs of Social Security for what Lyre termed "Old fag support." This was despite attempts by the Bush administration to deny the effectiveness of condoms in any situation.

Mr. Lyre went on to say that gays were possibly responsible for other budgetary problems. As an example he gave the ballooning deficit. "It's really the gays’ fault. They have so much disposable income and they spend it on such frivolous things, like coconut hand crème and Abercrombie shirts. The government has to waste billions on programs like the F-22 Lightning Fighter Jet and bribing columnists just to keep up. If the homos could cut back on the pineapple lip balm maybe the federal government could be convinced to cut agricultural subsidies by more than 5%. They’re trend setters, we’re just followers."

Gay groups responded by claiming that they’d love to adopt or, in the case of lesbians, give birth to children but they were restricted from doing so by legal barriers ranging from denying their right to marry to, in some states, a ban on gay adoptions. They also pointed out that the majority of homosexuals do not work in either the cabaret or hair business but rather act as interior decorators or bad Hollywood sitcom writers, both jobs that contribute their share of payroll taxes. As to the claim that their failure to ‘bareback’ was leading to an excessive population of elderly gays spokeswoman Jack Peters issued this statement: "Oh no he di’in’t"."

Lyre rebuked the claims of the homosexual lobby as outrageous. "The answer is not to allow gays to act as responsible partners and parents no matter how many academic studies have shown that they are capable of doing just that. It’s for them to deny who they are and get involved in loveless marriages so they can be raised in the kind of angry home environment laced with resentment and regret that most Republicans grow up in. Happiness is to be found in purchasing overpriced automobiles and vacation homes, not interpersonal relationships." He also pointed out that gays in Hollywood make over $90,000 a year, thus exempting some or even most of their income from payroll taxes. "Gays are simple making too much money. When they reach our income levels they make it harder and harder for us to both serve our rich constituency and discriminate against undesirable social elements. Thank god we’ve managed to prevent blacks from making any progress in terms of income distribution since the ‘60s or we’d be in real trouble!"

Mr. Peters declined to respond to Lyre’s rebukes and simple said "Mr. Lyre is simply spewing ridiculous falsehoods that don’t deserve the dignity of a reply. On the other hand his ass looks really nice in those Chinos. Tell him that if he ever wants to get off his high horse and learn what fellatio can be like with someone who knows the equipment he has my number."

Mr. Lyre could not be reached for comment on Peters’ invitation. The White House press office stated that he had taken a leave of absence for personal reasons, checking into the Chelsea Regency hotel to be treated for 'Exhaustion.'
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