Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Millions flock to save one of their own

This week across America millions of members of the religious right have left their comfortable seats basking in the warmth of Bill O'Reilly's spray-on tan and ventured out in to the streets to make their voices heard.

"The campaign to save Terri Schiavo is not about Terri Schiavo, it's about all of us" explained Mark Leerson, of Rockford Illinois. "If we allow the hospital to deny care to people with severe mental impairment then how can those of us who base our lives around a 2,000 year old myth that has been debunked millions of time be sure that we will receive sufficient medical care to keep us going until the prayer kicks in?"

Indeed many of the kinds of mentally impaired people who think that supporting a senseless war and berating young women who have to make difficult reproductive choices are the best possible uses of their time are terrified of the implications of the Terri Schiavo case.

"I can barely dress myself" says Grace McManus of Gillington Ohio. "Who's to say I won't be next?"

Doctors across the country have issued statements that only the most severely damaged patients are eligible to have life support or feeding tubes removed. Voting for an aristocratic dip shit who wants to funnel your money into his friends pockets is indeed a sign of severe mental impairment, but it would not disqualify you from receiving emergency medical care. "It's certainly true that many Republican supporters show the same sort of non-response to stimuli as Mrs. Schiavo, for example they react to economic downturn and terrorist strikes in America by strengthening the political position of those who brought catastrophe down on their heads. On the other hand over 67% of them can RELIABLY smile when their parents enter the room, so they are not quite as incapacitated as Mrs. Schiavo." Points out Dr. Mary Wilson of New York City. "We will treat even the dumbest of people with the utmost respect. Just the other day I removed a penile obstruction from a visiting preacher from Alabama. I did not laugh at him once when he told me god had told him to shove the pencil lead into his dingdong."

In an off the record interview Jesus Christ denied any association with the loony protesters. "Dude, these people piss me off so god damned much it makes me take my OWN name in vain. Jesus fucking Christ! Also, I've never spoken to Jerry Falwell or Benny Hinn or any of those other douches who want your money. I spoke with one guy once, in 1210, told him to stop claiming shit in my name. He started a crusade. I've been silent since. Tell those douches to shut the fuck up and get real jobs. Also peace to my homeboy Hakeem from Philly. Yeah, whassup dawg? Holla!"

Billy Graham and Jerry Falwell issued a joint press release stating that they were saddened and disappointed to learn Jesus had joined the left wing media bias, but that they would continue to be douches in his name for the foreseeable future. When reached for comment by our reporter Shawn Peters Terry Schiavo lolled her head off to the side and said something that sounded like "Momma." She then blinked a couple times and allowed her jaw to go slack, because she's a fucking vegetable.
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