Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Clunky, but I'm not in the mood.

fakingsincerity urged me to turn these jokes into a poll affair. If you feel like it please rate the jokes on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being absolute crap, 6 or above being 'somewhat funny' 8 being actually laugh inducing and 9 or 10 reserved for jokes that are professional quality.

Thoughts on this format would be appreciated as well.

Poll #478002 Jokes

Shocking the world, the Catholic church announced layman and popular rapper 50 Cent as its new pope today. Upon ensconcement in the Vatican Mr. Cent proclaimed it "Pretty Dope, but it needs a little more bling. I'm gonna make the Vatican into the Phatican, know what I'm sayin'?" He then attempted to issue a 'phatwah' declaring himself totally not gay before being told that that's not how they roll in Rome.

Mean: 5.60 Median: 5.5 Std. Dev 2.06
1
0(0.0%)
2
3(15.0%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
5(25.0%)
6
1(5.0%)
7
7(35.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

Upon his election, President Bush called Pope Bennedict XVI to congratulate him. He said that he was not a Catholic, but was a huge fan of the Crusades and the whole selection of a leader by an elite and secretive council.

Mean: 7.10 Median: 8 Std. Dev 2.26
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
2(10.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
1(5.0%)
6
3(15.0%)
7
1(5.0%)
8
3(15.0%)
9
6(30.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

Southern Pharmacists continue to fight for their religious right not to give out morning after pills, even to victims of rape. As a show of solidarity convenience store clerks have stopped selling candy to people suffering from "Fatassitude," gas-jockeys are refusing to fuel up monster SUVs, and loose women are telling bigoted pharmacists that they can go fuck themselves.

Mean: 5.90 Median: 6 Std. Dev 1.64
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
1(5.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
6(30.0%)
6
6(30.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

When noted Pope-hater Sinead O'Connor was asked what she thought about the new Pope selection the singer shrugged and said "I guess he's okay. Nothing compared to John Paul II."

Mean: 4.65 Median: 4 Std. Dev 2.08
1
1(5.0%)
2
2(10.0%)
3
3(15.0%)
4
5(25.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
1(5.0%)
7
3(15.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

'Singer' P. Diddy failed to show at a planned event given in his honor by His Honor the mayor of Las Vegas. Mr. Diddy was unavoidably detained in Rome where he was helping his frient Pope Cent pick out the most "Christ cracklin' hawt" nuns for the Vatican choir.

Mean: 4.75 Median: 5 Std. Dev 2.14
1
2(10.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
4(20.0%)
4
3(15.0%)
5
4(20.0%)
6
4(20.0%)
7
1(5.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

Tom DeLay expressed bitter disappointment over the selection of Ratzinger as the new Pope. A spokesman said "Cardinal Ratzinger has always been a strong supporter of the entire bible, while Mr. DeLay is strongly opposed to the activist chapters in Judges."

Mean: 6.90 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.41
1
0(0.0%)
2
2(10.0%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
1(5.0%)
5
2(10.0%)
6
4(20.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
2(10.0%)
9
4(20.0%)
10
3(15.0%)

Things in Iraq seem to be calming down recently. Insurgency leader Musab al-Zarqawi even offered a gift to president Jalal Talabani. He would not say what it was but described it as something Talabani richly deserves. "Trust me," said al-Zarqai "It's the bomb."

Mean: 6.70 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.19
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
2(10.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
4(20.0%)
9
3(15.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

The Washington Nationals have jumped out to a 2 game lead in the NL East this season. Doing even better is their undefeated Texas League affiliate, the Crawford Fascists.

Mean: 5.65 Median: 5 Std. Dev 2.15
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
3(15.0%)
4
5(25.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
4(20.0%)
8
0(0.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

General Motors announced a $1.1 billion dollar loss this fiscal quarter. When asked whether this would impact the economy President Bush scoffed, saying "$1.1 billion? To lose that kind of money I don't even have to come into the office." When asked why he, in fact, had come into the office today he muttered something that sounded like "I left half my sandwich here yesterday" and retired to the East Wing of the white house for story time and a restorative nap.

Mean: 6.32 Median: 6 Std. Dev 2.20
1
0(0.0%)
2
2(10.5%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
2(10.5%)
5
2(10.5%)
6
4(21.1%)
7
2(10.5%)
8
4(21.1%)
9
2(10.5%)
10
1(5.3%)

Survivor couple Rob and Amber are to be wed on national television after they complete filming of their current show, the Amazing race. The ceremony will be a quiet family-oriented affair, after which there will be a reception during which the happy couple will be hunted by a dozen men with shotguns, having to rely on their wits and incredible unlikeability to make it out alive. There will be cake.

Mean: 6.75 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.28
1
0(0.0%)
2
1(5.0%)
3
1(5.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
2(10.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
3(15.0%)
8
5(25.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
3(15.0%)

Has the humor beeing improving?

Yes
5(25.0%)
No
0(0.0%)
Too soon to tell
13(65.0%)
Pasty paste paste paste
2(10.0%)

Anything else to add?

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