Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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The world is officially over. Christ come take me.

According to IMDB.com Paris Hilton announced that she's ready to breed, saying "I've had so much fun, and had a great life. I've accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish and I think that when I have kids that'll make me happier than I already am."

I for one am happy for her. Really. It's great to see someone who has finished all her goals at the tender age of 24 and is ready to impart her maturity and wisdom to the next generation. Let's take a looksee at her list, shall we?

#1) Ingest so much drugs and alcohol that you wake up in a different city with no idea how you got there.

She crossed that one off the list when she was around 9. She doesn't even call that a goal anymore, she calls it Thursday afternoon.

#2) Become an international sex symbol by fucking an absolute sleaze-bucket doggie style in front of a night vision camera and watching him release the video on to the internet.

No doubt.

#3) Get talked about constantly on TV despite having no visible talent other than being obnoxiously rich and startlingly unpretty.

The woman can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to!

#4) Condescend towards people who weren't born with eleventybillion dollars and enough cachet to get your photograph in shitty tabloids on national television.

For four glorious seasons!

#5) Break up with your best friend publicly and talk trash about her in the press.

Nobody's done it better in a long time

#6) Have sex with anyone who's A) Hot B) Wealthy or C) Famous and is willing to lower his or her adult parts into the seething cauldron of disease that bubbles between your legs.

No comment necessary.

#7) Date someone with the same first name as you, a comparable fortune, and the same vacant blonde homeliness.

You think Switzerland Holiday Inn Express could accomplish that? No. She's in 'college.'

#8) Be fodder for every hacky would be comedian out there and have Jay Leno ride you like a vintage Harley.

Isn't this proof enough of that.

#9) Star in every terrible movie made in the past 2 years and somehow manage to make it worse. Act with all the charm and grace of Pete Rose's hairpiece.

More like Pete Rose's hairpiece after Rosanne Bar found herself alone in a bathroom with it and no toilet paper.

#10) Turn yourself into a soulless commodity.

She was BORN a soulless commodity. Does this one count?

Paris can't have children yet. She hasn't dropped a Lindsay Lohan quality album yet, or snorted three grams of cocaine off a midget's penis (Okay, she may have done that one.) There's so much more out there for her! Ann Coulter impersonators don't grow on trees people, you have to have a single digit BMI to even attempt it.

Seriously, her kids better HOPE they come out of the womb hooked on crack because they're going to need it with her as their mother. She probably won't even manage to hire nannies to raise them because Maria's too short and Consuela clashes with the furniture.

How much Redbull and Vodka does it take to sterilize you anyway, because she has to be at least 3/4 of the way there at this point. Considering the regime of starvation and cocaine that her ovaries have been subject to I'd be surprised if her womb wasn't dustier than the Sahara.

Kids. More Hiltons. A whole new generation of unavoidable publicity whores who worm their way into your consciousness no matter what you do and set up camp fellating a hippopotamus in your hippocampus.

Bring on the apocalypse. Jesus, I want off this crazy rock.
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