Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Coal mine bound.

So today is June 1st, the date I set for myself to temporarily give up on getting "paid" "money" in the creative industries and look for a real job so as to become a productive member of society and irresistible to the ladies*. I have been in the legitimate work force before and I don't have to tell all of you what a horrific experience it is. People expect you to show up places at 9:00 AM on a REGULAR basis and wear a patterned noose around your neck while you do it.** In the work place black is white, freedom is slavery, and people actually care if you spill mustard on yourself.

Oh how I hate it.

But to it I must return, for I need the galactic credits that you quaint earth people still call "dollars" and it wouldn't hurt to "Get out of the house once in awhile" and engage in some "Sexual harassment." *Peeks through his blinds.* Sweet Jesus, it burns, the sun, it burns my eyes. What am I doing? What am I DOING?

The first step to getting a job, as all you gainfully employed people know*** is creating a sheet of lies and distortions to ship off to prospective employers. This is called a resume. I always feel conflicted about creating them, since it's one of those situations where they know you're going to lie, and you know you're going to lie, and the whole thing is one big farce. If you actually write what you did at your last job they will assume that you did something much less impressive. So, for example, if you put down "Filed and collated photocopies" they will think you are a retard who wasn't allowed out of his corner except for two 15 minute "pee pee" breaks, and were hired purely for tax purposes. They will think you are qualified only for the most menial and disgusting of tasks, or upper management if you've got an MBA.

This means that you need to stretch the truth, Reed Richards style. For example if you once told a fellow employee (Skippy, the mail boy) where the staples were kept you can put down both "Responsible for managing a team of professional employees in a high stress environment" and "Responsible for procurement and allocation of valuable and sensitive work-related materials."**** They won't ask you what that means because they know you're lying, but they're hoping your bullshit skills will come in handy when their boss wanders by and wonders where that $3 million from the company slush fund got off to.

I don't feel comfortable with that kind of dissembling though, especially since I am PROUD of my credentials (pathetic as they may be*****) and don't want to lie. There's also the awkward possibility that you'll encounter someone who takes your resume seriously and asks you to back up all the things you claim that you did. Or even worse a job that expects you'll have those skills. "Open heart surgery, yes I did list it, but if we're being honest here I meant I'm really good at that game Operation."

I'm not sure what I'll do with the resume. One thought has been to spruce it up with stuff that nobody could possibly believe, but that would make me a reasonable candidate. Things like "My fingers are made of butterscotch butterscotch, and if you offer me a job I will allow you to lick them down to tiny nubs. My lips are deLICIOUS Jujubees which you may consume at any point during the employment process.

I'm just worried that I'm going to end up sitting in front of a chubby woman from HR having this exchange:

Louanne: So, Mr. Kuhntwhenger it says here that your fingers are made of butterscotch.

Me: Yes, yes it does.

Louanne:....Your fingers aren't really made of butterscotch, are they Mr. Kuhntwhenger? If I were to lick them they would taste of finger, would they not?

Me: Yes. Ummm...sorry about that.

Louanne: You may go.

Me: What about-

Louanne: Leave. Now.

I'll probably just end up creating a normal resume with fewer exaggerations than most, and adding "Eats shit well" and "Good at following nonsensical orders from under brained overpaid management" into special skills, just so they know I'm ready to be a team player. That, or I could hang myself with my nicely patterned noose. Mine has firetrucks on it!



*Please note that said ladies whom I would become irresistible to do not actually exist. If they did exist they would be hunted to extinction by poon hungry geeks drunk on the scent of basement-level standards.

** I hate neckties. I cannot express how deep my hate for neckties runs. If I had a choice between wearing a necktie and being kicked in the shin every hour I would have a serious quandary on my hands. I hate neckties so much that I RESEARCHED them and learned all sorts of horrible facts about them. For example did you know that neckties are the direct result of a French king finding the neck coverings of an elite squad of Croatian soldiers aesthetically pleasing? That's right...they're FRENCH. That's where the word cravat came from by the way (It's a corruption of Croat.) All these fancy businessmen are kowtowing to the whims of a dead French king and they don't even know it. I'm not sure whether to find this pleasing or horribly depressing.

***Okay, maybe not iconoclast. He gets jobs purely through THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS. His massive schlong enables him to bypass normal requirements and just walk into any job he desires. If anyone questions his credentials or whether he's been "hired" he just unzips his pants, slams it down on the table, and they gasp and say "We don't need to see any identification." Jedi Dick Trick.

****Use responsible a lot. You want them to think you're responsible. If you write down "Frequently fell asleep while allowing radiation leakage levels to rise to 150% of the allowable maximum under federal law" they will probably not hire you. Even if you worked at McDonald's you were "Responsible for managing essential customer relations and commercial transactions." and "Part of the primary sales force for a multi-billion dollar corporation."

*****My special skills do not include "Big swinging dick"
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