Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Comedy is UP

Okay. So I posted The phoneposts with my routine on them. The clarity isn't great, it never is here, but it's there. So...THERE.

You should play them in the following order.

Number 1

Number 2

Below the cut is the transcription in case you want to read along, but I'd prefer you listen, it'd make me so happy.



PLEASE LISTEN FIRST

PLEASE.

I BEG.

Alright. People asked for this. It's me doing something I wrote in my own voice. Spectacular.

A lot of people like shopping. I hate it. Why?

Because when you shop you have to deal with people. And people, for the most part, are MORONS. Morons.

Like today, I went out to the Vitamin Shoppe to get some fiber. That, by the way, is like the dumbest name for a store ever. The Vitamin Shoppe? What do they sell? Vitamins. They sell exactly what their name is. Who does that? Nobody does that! It goes against all the laws of retail. Think about it, what are the big brand names? McDonald's? That's a farmer. They don’t farm. A foreigner who'd never heard of it would have no idea what that place sold. No idea. The Gap. That's like...that's an absence. That's an absence of of...stuff. That doesn't mean clothing. Tractor supply sells tractors and stuff, but also like fencing gloves. Like there's a lot of people out there who drive tractors...and fence. Like "Junior, after you're done threshing the grain don't forget your fencing lessons. Pierre's over in the feed silo ready to teach you some new moves with the foil. Don't forget your foil. I think it's out in cow pasture, we were using it to carve Zs on their asses like Zoro. Don't forget it."

Anyway, The Vitamin Shoppe. How long did it take to come up with that one? Did they just like find some stoners and give them 20 bucks and be like "We need a name. We're going to sell vitamins. Can you give us a name?" And the stoners huddled up and one of them was like uhhh....the Vitamin Shoppe? And the other was like Dude, you're a fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. And they just went with that? Whatever.

So I went in and immediately I'm just like swarmed with clerks. There's like 80 of them. There's an army, an army of sales clerks. And they're all like "Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I give you some help? Would you like some help?" And I'm like uhh..no...I'm just browsing. And one of them’s always like "Okay. If you need help I'll be right over here. Over here with the other clerks. I can help you. Don't ask them. They won't help you. They don't know anything, they suck. I can help you."

But when you're buying fiber you don't want help. Because if you ask the clerk to help you they're not going to take you to like the normal dietary fiber. They're going to assume that your colon is like a giant block of cement and you need the super fiber. The fiber they can't keep out in the front of the store, they need to like punch in a code to a vault to get this stuff. It glows, it always glows. And they're like "Here. This is industrial grade Colon Cleanser. One drop of this stuff and you will be shitting easy for a week. Don't spill it though. It will eat through the floor. It eats through floors." And I'm like "no...I just need some fiber. Normal every day fiber." But they don't believe you, they don't believe anyone would just go shopping for fiber. So they start suggesting other crazy shit they have. "What about this? It's a suppository. It's a little big, about five inches in girth, but really effective." Or "Here's our ranges of high powered colonics." "Or here's a towel you swallow in the morning and then you can like pull it out of your ass at night, and it flosses the digestive tract. It's like floss for your digestive tract." And I always get pissed and over-react. So I'm like "No. Fuck you. Go away, I will kill you if you don't leave me alone. I will rape your grandmother." And that's never good. So I just try and steer clear.

So anyway, today I just wanted some fiber, and it was on sale, so that was cool. But when I got up to the counter to pay for it it registered as full price. So I'm like "Umm...I think that's on sale." And the clerk, she gives me this look like I just asked her to pull her shirt up and let me squeeze a tit. Just let me squeeze a titty. So she gets that look and she says "Hold on, I'll chehhhhck." Just like that. "I'll chehhhck." And she goes over to where the shelf was, and you know she's thinking. "Oh Mr. Fancypants wants his fiber on sale. The normal price isn't good enough for Mr. Fancypants. He must have it on sale. Oh look at me. I am so so special, I want the special price." So she comes back and gives me another look, like I just reached for the other titty. Like she pulled up her shirt and I got one of the titties and then I just got greedy and went for the other one, and she rings it up on sale and I get out of there and I know she's just looking at me from behind, just like "Goodbye Mr. Fancypants. I hope the fiber doesn't make you shit in your fancy fancy pants. You dumb motherfucker."

So then I go to the supermarket, not called "The Foods and Paper Products Store." The supermarket. And I get a bunch of stuff, some kitty litter and some frozen yogurt and like some crappy low-cal juice stuff. Whatever. So I'm waiting on line and this old guy gets on line behind me. And he doesn't just look old, he looks like he's going to die right there in the store. He looks like he is a dead man who was animated by a mad scientist to go shopping. This guy is not well. So I offer to let him go in front of me, and like the third time I say it he agrees, and he goes in front. He's got one item. A grapefruit. So I think this can't be so bad.

He goes up to the cashier and he hands the grapefruit to her and he's like "Is this $1.79?" So she scans the barcode, and she tells him "No, it's fifty cents." And he gets pissed. He's like. "God damn it, I can't afford that. I can't afford to go any lower than $1.79." So he takes his grapefruit and he returns it to the fruit bin. Because it was fifty cents. What the fuck? Is he like on a mission for overpriced fruit? Did someone like will him a million dollars but he has to spend $100,000 on Citrus in three days or he doesn't get it? Did I wander into a Bad 80's comedy? So then the cashier has to void the purchase, and that always takes forever at this store. She can't just punch in the keys, she has to like call it in. She has to like pick up the hotline and call headquarters. "Yeah, this is Beta Foxtrot Niner Charlie. I've got a void here. I need to void something here. Houston can you confirm? Can you confirm that? Yeah I'll hold. I don't mind holding. I can hold. I'll hold as long as I need to." Meanwhile my yogurt's unfreezing and the milk's going bad and I'm like "Oh FUCK YOU old man. Next time BUY THE GRAPEFRUIT. It's a fifty cent grapefruit. It's just as good as one for $1.79 it's cheaper. Just buy it. You don't have a citrus buying will. You don't have that. Fuck you." Only I say it out loud, so everyone's like looking at me. All the people in the store are looking at me. So then one of the clerks from the Vitamin Shoppe bursts in and he's like "Sir, sir, sir. You forgot your receipt for your COLON CLEANSER. You forgot your receipt. You should have asked me to help you. I could have helped you. That other lady, she didn't help you. You should have asked." And everyone's just staring and I'm like.

I hate shopping. I really hate shopping.
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