"This is a national disgrace. It's a farce. Innocent on all charges? I can't believe it." Few would be surprised to hear these words spoken about the recent Michael Jackson case verdict, but not many would suspect the source. Michael Jackson himself.
Mr. Jackson has issued statement saying that he is outraged and disturbed at the outcome of the trial and is considering leaving the country altogether. "Innocent? Really? INNOCENT? I admitted to sleeping with young boys. I've proved how crazy I am time and time again. What more do you people want? Do you want me to pay multi-million dollar settlements to other accusers? I've done that. Do you want me to turn my estate into a theme park and live with a chimp named Bubbles? BUBBLES? I have done everything for you people. I literally cut off my nose to spite my face, I paid for my nose to be cut off. What's crazier than that? What? Yet you think I'm incapable of this. I bleached my skin, I'm anorexic to the point where my back keeps going out on me, and I have a child named blanket. When it comes to acting crazy, I think I've reached for the stars here."
Jackson sighed and sat back in his chair, which was carved to look like two young boys kneeling down to support his bottom with their hands.
"It was the family that did me in I guess. I knew I should have gotten someone more credible but you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find families who will let you sleep with their sons repeatedly after you've paid hush money to other boys. I thought we could get past that. I mean hey, the kid had cancer, you gotta give me some credit there. I slept with a cancer victim. Still it wasn't enough, I guess. It's never enough."
Jackson ruminated on his future. "I don't know what I'll do next to get arrested. Maybe I'll go dig up some corpses from a kiddie graveyard and turn Neverland into like a Thriller themed park. That might get some attention. Or I could just go shoot a Gymboree, I don't know, but this whole subtle molesting thing isn't working. You know it's often asked 'who do I have to fuck to get arrested in this town?' Clearly the answer doesn't lie with kids."
For his part the prosecutor blames Jacksons acquittal on his being too crazy. "A guy like that, you actually believe he might sleep with boys and not touch them. Once you go 'Bubbles the chimp crazy' anything is possible." The prosecutor also admitted that his motives in the case may not have been entirely pure. "Yeah I was pissed at Michael. See back in the '80s you couldn't get laid if you couldn't do the Moonwalk. The Moonwalk, what the fuck kind of dance was that? It looked retarded, and what did it have to do with the moon? Nobody knows. But as a white man in California I had no chance, and I had a hell of a dry spell. A hell of a dry spell. So yeah, I blame Michael Jackson, and no I've never forgiven him, but this was really about the children. The children and my having to beat off for 6 years straight because of that bastard."
As for other celebrity commentators on the trial Tom Cruise might sum it up best. "Is Michael Jackson crazy? Yes. Is Michael Jackson dangerous? Yes. Why? He lacks the proper vitamins. With a few good vitamins Michael Jackson could get himself back to his peak. I have personally-personally-helped over 1,000 performers regain their former glory after child molestation trials. I am so in love with Katie Holmes that it physically hurts me to breath the air on this planet because I know that she also exists on it. I want her so badly that I could screw dozens, dozens, of male porn stars, and remain totally heterosexual due to my love of her. That's what true love is, and I TAKE MY VITAMINS."
Truer words have never been spoken Tom. Truer words have never been spoken.