Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Oink Oink sister, get thee to a fat farmery.

Back in early May two longtime readers asked for my opinion about overweight women. I was hesitant to broach this subject because there are a lot of fat chicks who read this journal, and I don't want to offend them. Fat chicks make excellent readers, you know, having so much free time and all.

Here's the basic thing I have to say to all you fat women out there: What the fuck is wrong with you? You have no right to be that corpulent. You're offending nature, god, and most importantly my libido. Put down the Cheetos, get on the treadmill, and lose the damn weight.

Now you might say "Ben, aren't you being a little hypocritical? You're significantly overweight yourself, you know how hard it is to get in shape. Shouldn't you cut these women a little slack?" Interesting point. Interesting, and wrong.

It's not hypocritical at all because I am not a woman. If I were a woman, a bon bon pounding hippo of a housewife, then yes, you would have a point. But I'm not. We have to remember that there are different standards for men and women. For example, a man who is 5'5" is considered short. A woman that height would be considered average. A man's character is judged by his intelligence and success in the world. A woman's character is judged by the shape of her ass. Don't blame me, that's just the way god wants it. Baby.

You see ever since the dawn of man one of the greatest problems humanity has faced has been female overeating. We'd still be in the garden of Eden if Eve had left the goddamn apple on the tree. But she didn't. And trust me, Eve didn't need that apple. She already required a extra large fig-leaf to cover the shame of her genitals, if you get my drift. But she couldn't wait till dinner, she just had to snack. Thus was born original sin.

Fat women have been a problem ever since. Look, nobody can deny that a woman's true purpose is to sexually arouse men. That's why Adam gave up the rib in the first place, so he could get off. Nowadays women have different ideas in their heads. Crazy ideas. Beliefs that they can be valid and useful people even if they don't conform to the ideal body types society wants them to. Some of them even believe that through confidence and personality they can be attractive despite, or even in some cases because of, their zaftig appearance.

So you see what we're up against.

A woman doesn't have to be unreasonably slim or proportioned. If you have a dress size of 4 that's okay. Even a 6 is sometimes acceptable assuming that you have large breasts. If we can't see your ribs unless you're bending over, we'll just have to deal with that. Men aren't monsters.

But these women who let themselves get up to size 8, 10, or beyond? They're a cancer in our society. They're disgusting worthless slobs of no value, even if they're intelligent, well-spoken, or funny. It's not for nothing that America widely rejected the television comedy of Rosanne Barr.

Jesus wants his women slim and attractive, with large breasts and slender waists. That's how he designed and that's how you should remain. It makes me sick when I see these women who eat whenever they're hungry, or are more concerned with their jobs or their interests than working out to maintain an unhealthily thin lifestyle. It makes me sick. And what about these chicks with the slender faces and legs but the huge stomachs? What do they think they're up to? Pregnant? That's just an excuse to eat bundt cake and YOU KNOW IT. Don't lie. Don't you lie to me.

Men put up with a lot of shit from women, ranging from periods to their odd enjoyment of Nora Ephron movies. We put up with that shit to get laid. When they stop being hot they stop being worth it. I'm not against letting women speak (when spoken to) or drive, but respect and cherish a woman whose body doesn't exactly match my vision of ideal femininity?

We might as well let them vote.
Tags: humor unedited
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