Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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The new Ten Commandments.

The new Ten Commandments, as interpreted by the priorities of the current moral majority.

I am the LORD thy God, who brought there from the land of Egypt out of the house of bondage.

1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me, nor shall thou allow anyone else to place any other gods before me. The only things thou shalt put before me are money and power.

2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the inequity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me and showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments. Also you should totally take it upon yourself to fuck with people who don't properly worship me, because my wrath isn't enough. So if you could like make them feel uncomfortable by constantly screaming that they're going to hell and driving them out of your communities, that'd be awesome.

3) Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in Vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. His name should be reserved for instances of holy worship or when it can provide political gain. Also crass commercialization. That works too. If it can sell aluminum siding or shag carpeting then shout it from the mountain tops. Dolla dolla bill y'all.

4) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day and hallowed it. On second thought, screw it. Fuck that. How are you going to make bank if you're not forcing your workers to come in on Sunday? I have no idea what I was thinking. Whoops.

5) Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. The best way to do this is by taking away pensions and medical care from old people, thus honoring them by showing how self-sufficient you think they are. It's patronizing to think that old people should be able to retire in comfort and prosperity if they didn't put enough into their 401Ks. White Castle has plenty of job openings grampa, get off the barcolounger and start saying "Do you want fries with that?"

6) Thou shalt not kill. Unless you can get oil by doing so. Also in the interest of not killing you should probably keep a gun with you at all times, you know, so you can not kill anyone who pisses you off.

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery. Instead thou shalt dump thy wife for a younger prettier model, and if you REALLY want something on the side that's probably okay, so long as you're not gay.

8) Thou shalt not steal. Instead thou shalt use money to gain political leverage and use that to acquire a vast empire of gold and riches at the expense of everyone else. Thou shalt force thy workers to work overtime without pay and thou shalt refuse them dignity, health insurance, and the other things they need to live. That's all AWESOME, but damn you if you take a loaf of bread to feed your starving children. THAT I will not have.

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Thy neighbor is another RICH guy. Bearing false witness against some poor schlub? Go ahead. Who's going to know. He can't even afford a decent lawyer.

10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's. Especially not his manservant or his ass. That'd be gay.

Could anyone object to these commandments being posted in our schools and courthouses? Come on. It's time to show the world where modern American morality REALLY comes from.
Tags: god, humor unedited, policy, ten commandments
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