I hate their tiny soccer playing men, their garishly dressed women, their chupa chup loving children. I hate their neighborhoods where English is as rare as a decent knish. I hate their loud melodious music, and their games of frisbee in the park. I hate the way they take the jobs nobody else wants to do in this country and labor tirelessly at them, hoping to make a better life for themselves and their families. I hate their loving connections to each other, and their sly shy smiles.
Okay, I don't hate Mexicans for those reasons. Instead I hate Mexicans because Mexicans hate me. How do I know Mexicans hate me? Because I eat their food. And when I eat their food they make it very clear to me that they just do not like me. I don't take it personally. It's a gringo thing.
Everyone knows that Mexican food is delicious. It's full of all the majorly delicious food groups like sour cream and refried...anything. But the Mexicans have a poison pill they like to include in their delectable treats. A little something I like to call...the chili pepper.
Now some of you may be reacting with disgust that I would impugn anything so noble as the chili pepper. "Just you hold on, mister" you say, because you are still quite respectful of my advanced age even when you disagree with me. "I like Jalapeno peppers. They add delicious zest to a tasty meal. How dare, I said how DARE you levy accusations against them. Fie. FIE. Fie on you. Mister. Fie on you."
Let me assure you that I have no issue with the Jalapeno pepper. It does indeed add a zesty spice to an otherwise bland meal. I am also not a 98 pound weakling when it comes to spicy food. I dare say I have a pretty strong palate for a white guy. Tobasco sauce doesn't bother me, and I don't have to ask Indian restaurants to tone down the power of their curry.
On the other hand...well...these fucking Mexicans. These fucking Mexicans aren't content to use Jalapeno peppers in their food. No. They aren't content to kick it up just one notch either. They don't use the jalapeno pepper's slightly stronger cousin. These fucking Mexicans jump all the way to the king of the chili pepper and put THAT shit in my food. I like to call it the big swinging dick pepper.
Now the big swinging dick pepper comes in many shapes and forms, but it never looks particularly assuming. As the only FDA approved food source that consists of over 40% pure plutonium you'd expect it to glow in the dark, but it does not. It just sits there. It sits there looking all green and fresh and delicious. Almost like a bell pepper that you could just pick up with your hands and munch on contentedly. Do not be fooled. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by these fucking Mexicans.
When you place a BSD pepper into your mouth you do not taste the relaxing fresh flavor of a bell or other friendly pepper. Instead you experience a sharp bitter taste followed by an explosion of burning pain the likes of which you have never before experienced. It is like a white hot supernova party in your mouth and every star in the known universe is invited. It doesn't just burn, it burns like a motherfucker. And even though you want to drink water or soda you know you shouldn't, because it won't help. It just kicks up the hurt.
So you sit there in pain, tears running from your eyes and snot from your nose, cursing those fucking Mexicans and their BSD peppers until finally the pain starts to subside and your traumatized taste buds start to remember what it is not to feel only the agonizing burning of certain death. That's what makes the next bite so much MORE painful, the memory of your recovery. And as you put the second piece of BSD pepper into your mouth you can only curse these fucking Mexicans and their wily ways. Because they know you will take that second bite. You will refuse to surrender and throw away the rest of the BSD just to spite them, and they know that you will regret that the moment the burning starts again, a wildfire sweeping through your mouth and leaving only ash in its wake. These fucking Mexicans have you coming and going. If you refuse to eat the BSD or ask them not to put it in your food you look weak and wussy. If you suck it up and swallow the deadly fruit you will be struck by unbearable pain and your shit will burn for at least a week. These fucking Mexicans don't mess around.
Of course the Mexicans don't put BSD peppers in their own food. Oh they CLAIM they do, but you know that food going to a non-gringo gets something like a Jalapeno or even a milder variety of chili. So these fucking Mexicans can look at you with their smug faces as they wolf down a plate of fajitas like it was nothing, like there wasn't a red-hot poker being shoved down their throat with each swallow, because there's not.
Why do they do it? Who knows. Maybe it's part of a plan to take back America. Maybe it's revenge for unjust immigration laws. Maybe it's just because these fucking Mexicans don't like the cut of your jib, but whatever it is it engenders nothing but hatred in me. Because I know that the rest of the meal is so good that come next week I will order it again, and that once again I will be brought low by the BSD peppers and their sole distributors...these fucking Mexicans.