Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Gatorade Sommelier

Hello, sir or Madam, and welcome to my convenience store. Oh I see you are purchasing a chocolate energy bar, a lovely choice. By the sweat on your brow might I guess that you have just been out exercising? Why yes, I am very observant. Would you care for a sports drink? Oh, of course you didn't see any out there. Do you think that we would leave our sports drinks in those cheap coolers with the soda pop and beer? The sports drinks are in a climate controlled refrigeration unit beneath the counter. Wouldn't want the children getting their grubby hands all over them, would we.

Ahh, so you are interested? Good. May I make a recommendation. With that particular energy bar I think you will want to go with a more classic drink, nothing with the bite of a Powerade or All sport. No my friend, what you need is a nice refreshing Gatorade.

What's that? Gatorade tastes like salty water with a tangy aftertaste? A common misconception, a common misconception. No, my friend, if that's what you think it tastes like then I'd venture to say you've never really tasted it. Here, I'll put a little orange into a paper cup for you. Sip that. Feel it in your mouth...good...good...now swallow. How was that? Not bad huh? Really hits the spot. Perfect. Okay, so would you like a bottle? Perfect. Let's see...what goes best with a chocolate bar like that? I'd normally recommend something in a '98 fruit punch, but I'm not sure you're ready for some of the more complex flavors. No, I think that for you the best choice would probably be a '01 32 oz lemon lime or a '02 16 ounce Riptide Rush. If you are feeling adventurous the '04 Tropical Intenso is a possibility, but if you make that choice there's no going back.

What's that? What do they taste like? The lemon line is a tart and satisfying flavor that will bring on the craving for chocolate like nothing you have ever experienced. The Riptide Rush is like someone took grape and kicked it up a few notches. It's a potent flavor indeed. Unfortunately nobody can be told what Tropical Intenso Gatorade tastes like. You have to experience it for yourself.

How's that? You want a 32 oz Riptide Rush? I'm sorry I don't offer that flavor in that size. I only sell the 16 ozers. It's a responsibility thing. No I won't sell you two 16 oz bottles, that's too much. You can't handle the rush, you can't possibly handle the rush. Here let me open one for you to let it breathe. Smell the cap.

That's right. Spectacular. Now, shall I ring it up for you?

Okay. That's it. I'm not selling you 32 ozes of Riptide Rush. I won't do that and I'm going to have to ask you to put the energy bar back and leave my establishment. That's right. Get out. I don't do business with your kind. If you can't appreciate the proper way to enjoy a sports drink then you won't be enjoying a sports drink at all. Not from me. Oh, go ahead. Go to Gristedes. They'll sell you whatever you want there. Overdue it. I don't care, but I won't have it on my conscience!

Bastard. Bastard. Bastard...

Hello Sir or Madam and welcome to my convenience store. I'm sorry about that little outburst. It was a misunderstanding. I just need a moment to compose myself...

There we go. I see that you have selected our turkey sandwich. An excellent choice, Jose is a master with the slicing machine, you will find the slices both thin and succulent to your tastes. I see also that you have a 12 oz can of Pepsi. That's fine, but if you don't mind may I recommend, as an alternative, a delicious sports drink. Yes, nothing quite compliments the taste of turkey and mayonnaise like the refreshing flavor of a citrusy concoction designed for athletes. You didn't see any in the coolers near the soda? Of course not. That's not where we keep it. See we have this special refrigerator behind the counter where...
Tags: drink, first person, humor unedited
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