Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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For the poor

Former first lady and current first mommy Barbara Bush has taken a lot of flack over comments that conditions at the Astrodome were good enough for the refugees because their lives of poverty had prepared them for deprivation. Not everyone is a critic though. In fact several prominent people have leapt to her defense. Chief among them may be Chester P. Snootington IV, professional heir and longtime Bush supporter.

"I fully support the former first lady's comments. In fact I think it's time someone admitted what we're all thinking, which is that poor people not only can do with less but should do with less. It is divine will that I enjoy Cristal and Kobe beef while their palettes are more suited to fruity sodas and Popeye's. Why should we defy it? I say we all stop pretending that everyone's "Equal" and we all want "The same things." Frankly I've heard that if you grow up eating rat turds in your food you come to crave the taste of them later in life and cannot palette the sorts of foods I am used to anymore than I could enjoy wilted vegetables from some disgusting bodega. Give the refugees too much space and they won't know what to do with it, no it's best to cram them all together and make sure they're comfortable in their habitual environment. I should know, I happen to be a board member of 'Let Them Eat Cake' international, a historical society bent on refurbishing the reputation of Marie Antoinette as a relevant social philosopher.'" When asked whether he was going to give any money to the relief effort Snootington IV shook his head and said "Heavens no. I leave saving lives and caring for refugees to the people who do it best. Former heads of Arabian Horse Racing Associations. Besides, have you seen the price of yacht fuel recently? We'll have to stretch every dollar to avoid tapping into the Swiss bank accounts this year. You want a human tragedy? There's your human tragedy."

Also supporting the first lady was irascible talk show host Bill O'Reilly who pointed out that with the amount of nostalgia rich people have for their hardscrabble days frankly the poor were lucky to have such hardship that they could later rise from and turn into a permanent shield against any accusations of classism or insensitivity. "When you grew up in Levittown like I did you knew one thing, that the difficult life you were leading would eventually be milkable for the nationally popular television show you would host later in life. Frankly I don't know how the Hiltons and Vanderbilts do it, living in luxury in their youth. They are really the ones who are being deprived. Deprived of the kevlar vest for criticism that comes with an upbringing you can spin as depriving."

Surprisingly there was even support for Barbara Bush among Astrodome residents, including Harris Johnson a self-described former layabout whose only ambition is to father as many children as possible by as many women as possible and sponge off the state. "I sure think the first Lady was right on the mark." Said Harris from his damp pile of bedclothes on the artificial turf. "As poor people we not only deserve poor conditions but we've come to expect it. The other day some rescue worker gave me a can of peas, and instead of being cheap generic they were Jolly Green Giant, a name brand! I tell you, I never had such peas in my whole life. Fresh and delicious the flavor was overwhelming. Well, I had to politely ask whether they had any expired "Kroger's Harvest" cans around, since the opulence of those deliciously preserved peas was doing a number on my po' black stomach. And when we got here my mother, well, she has the diabetes, aggravated by the turmoil near our homes, and they were about to treat her before I intervened. I told them I didn't want no fancy Houston doctor working on my mother. Why that level of prompt service might have killed her. Who knows how her body would react to proper insulin balance now? I told them to wait a few days and then send over some drunk guy who barely squeaked past the boards. Then we can talk medical care!"

Harris was asked whether he was offended that he and his neighbors had been left to drown in the city and then shunted to the Astrodome while most of the rich and middle class residents were in hotels or staying with family they were able to reach with their vehicles. "Lordy no" said Harris, "If someone had picked me up and taken me to safety I wouldn't have known what to do with myself. I've been poor so long I can't handle being treated with respect or dignity. Nope. Just fish me out of the toxic water when you feel like it and send me to an abandoned sports arena. That's the kind of treatment I like. Mrs. Bush knows what's right, and what's right is that even during a natural disaster class lines must be maintained. You treat the rich white folks one way and the poor black folks another, and never the twain shall meet. I firmly believe that. Let us eat cake indeed. Just not like a fancy bakery or David Glass cake. Frozen Sara Lee will be fine. It's good enough for my diabetic momma, it's good enough for me."
Tags: bush, humor unedited, new orleans, truth
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