Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

Jesus cannot get you a great deal on a Dodge

Hi folks. Buck Malone of Malone Motors here, and I want to talk to you about someone near and dear to my heart. Jesus Christ. Now if you're like me you love and respect Jesus Christ like no other person, living or dead. He gave his blood to forgive our sins and it is only through His Grace that we can reach Heaven in the next life.

That being said, while there's a lot that Jesus can do for you, he can't do everything. For example he cannot sell you a good condition 1991 Dodge Minivan for 15% less than the bluebook value. The reason for this is that Jesus does not run the biggest Used Car emporium in the Tri-State area, and although He has knowledge of all things He has not specialized in selling quality automobiles at affordable prices for the past 25 years. We have.

If what you are seeking is eternal salvation and the grace of an omnipotent deity then Jesus is your man. Malone motors does not traffic in matters of the soul. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a quality used Oldsmobile so you can travel to work in both comfort and style, well, Malone motors has over 20 in stock right now.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Buck," and yes, you can call me Buck. Everyone does. "Buck, if Jesus loves me with a love that is eternal and limitless, why wouldn't he provide for my automotive needs?" It's a good question. While God does, indeed, work in mysterious ways I think in terms of this there is a simple explanation. By allowing you to hear this message Jesus IS making sure that you can get the car you need at a price that won't crucify your wallet. He is working THROUGH Malone Motors to get you that Chevette you've had your eye on but just weren't sure you could swing the financing of. At Malone Motors, you can.

It may seem like hubris for a used car salesman, even one who has received not one, not two, but three awards of excellence from the Lafayette County Car Vendor's Association, to claim to be an instrument of God. I don't think it is. The fact of the matter is that I can't tell you the number of people who have prayed to Jesus for a car and then found the answer to their prayers on our 8 acre lot. Rich or poor, black or white, fat or thin, at Malone Motors we have the answer to YOUR prayers too.

Folks, Christ loves you. He wants you to have a brand new previously-owned automobile. He's tired of you driving around in that old rustbucket. He wants you to upgrade. Malone Motors is the answer. We have a saying here, Let Jesus take care of your soul, we'll handle the wheels. And for you single guys out there, we've got what you need to. Come down and let us put you in something sporty, like a Cherry Red 2001 Ford Fiesta. If you want to catch the eye of the woman you will eventually join in holy matrimony, you have to drive something that catches the eye, as well as having a Consumer Reports three star safety rating!

So come on down to Malone Motors. There may not be such a thing as heaven on earth, but that's not what you'll think when you're driving away in your Town and Country with only 57,000 miles on it. Let us be your transportation salvation.
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