Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

Ikea is the devil

Over the last week or so I have spent a monumental amount of time in enormous warehouse-like box stores. Target, Costco, Ikea, I've been to all of them and seen the dark underbelly of American capitalism up close and personal.

Of the three stores I thought Ikea was my favorite.

This is no longer so.

My roommate and I have nowhere to sit in our entire apartment. This is something of an issue since, you know, standing gets old after awhile and lying down is mostly for sleeping and reverse-cowgirl position sex.

We went to Ikea to get a couch, which was to act as a piece of furniture for us to sit on. Instead all we got was heartache.

See my roommate is kind of picky when it comes to furniture. He likes a sleek modernist look and he doesn't like spending a lot of money. I, on the other hand, want to be comfortable. Meeting these 3 criteria is almost impossible. For a long time we bickered over whether or not a particular couch was comfortable (it's not) and there was a good deal of friction between us as we both felt the other was being too stubborn and trying to push aside the other's concern.
Finally after 3 trips we found a solution. It was a nice leather couch that also came in fabric. Initially it appeared to only come in lime green, which is about as close to "Anti-sleek" as one can get, but after some research we found a version in light gray. Sweet. So we got the slip printed out, waited in an obscenely long line, and purchased the couch.

Yippeee.

When we went to the delivery counter to set up having it brought to our apartment (too big for the car) the couch was wheeled out and we were informed there was one slight problem.

There were no slip covers.

"What about the light gray ones we asked for?"
"Not on it."

Well shit.

After about 30 minutes of phone calls and bargaining we learned that the slip covers could be had for an extra $200. We swallowed hard and said "fuck it." What's another $100 between friends? So what if we have to subsist on wonder bread and spam for a couple weeks. At least we'll do so while seated on a kick-ass couch.

My friend went up to get the covers. After about 45 minutes of trying to get someone's attention and explaining what was going on he confirmed his worse fears.

There WERE no slip covers left. Not in the entire store. Not in the entire North American order system. Not until January 15.

It took another hour to get the refund processed.

CURSE YOU IKEA! CURSE YOUR REASONABLY PRICED FURNITURE THAT IS ONLY A MIRAGE! CURSE YOUR DELICIOUS LINGONBERRY SAUCE!
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