Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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THE REAL DEAL

Sure, 95% of American women have had premarital sex, but a STARTLINGLY low percentage have had premarital sex with ME, which is frankly what counts. Does it really count as sex if I'm not involved? I can't imagine it's particularly satisfying.

A woman's true sexual awakening does not, in my opinion, occur until she has shared a bed and bodily fluids with yours truly. I don't mean to brag but I am tremendously good at sex. I can last for three, even four, minutes at a time. I've received such rave reviews as "Well, that was surprisingly adequate." and "I guess I don't REALLY regret what just happened."

I treat my sex partners well too, offering them a muffin, cupcake, or other baked good of up to two dollars and fifty cents in value. I also know how to take a hint once our fling has reached its conclusion, never leaving more than 15 tearful messages on an ex-lover's voice mail and spending no more than $150 on singing telegrams informing her that she won't do better (FTA has yet to offer a "You'll never do better, you know that, right?" bouquets, despite my repeated requests.)

In short, I am the perfect man to either enter or secure your place in the ranks of the premaritally normal with. And I'm available. Due to certain legal issues I can no longer do Bat Mitzvahs, but other events are definitely on the menu. Wouldn't it be nice if instead of relying on some Guttmacher institute we could just ask a single man whether a woman had had premarital sex or not and get an exact count? I'm working on making that a possibility. Join me in my statistically significant work. I promise you'll be surprised by my adequacy.
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