Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I love holiday "journalism"

During the holidays pretty much everyone slows their working to a crawl (with the exception of retail workers, who just start drinking heavily and weeping uncontrollably.) This, naturally, includes journalists. That's how you end up with articles like this.

Three ways to keep from breaking your New Years resolutions! The exact same list you read every year! Financial advice on the level of a cheap fortune cookie!

1) Make a plan.

Leaving aside that a New Years resolution IS a plan...chances are that if someone doesn't know that you can't just wing it when it comes to shaping your financial future, well, they're not reading Money magazine. "What? Paying off debt 'when I get in the mood' is not an effective strategy? Tell me more Mr. Buffett. I'm intrigued by this whole 'plan' idea."

2) Automate it

This is reasonable, if obvious, advice, but it's explained by some of the stupidest claims I've ever seen. "If the money never passes through your hands you won't miss it." Just like FICA and withholding! Because nobody EVER complains about that. Also it's like you're taking a salary cut because you'll have less money to spend on hookers and blow (You could cut your rent and utility budget instead, but have you ever tried to do a line off a 15 year old Latvian girl's ass with the heat turned off? It's actually a little depressing.) You'll notice.

Also the idea of people being too lazy to cancel checks is just deranged. "I could have a thousand dollars in my hands right now, but I'd have to call the bank or go online. Not worth it."

Imagine if the rest of your life worked like this. "I really want to watch the superbowl, but the TV's set to Bravo. I'd have to press a button on the remote." "I could get a blowjob tonight, but I'd have to drop my pants. Not gonna happen."

3) Tell a friend

"Hey Bobbo, I'm gonna try to save money in the new year."
"Okay."
"I need a little help..."
"Hmm?"
"If I don't put away at least $500 a month, I'm gonna need you to fuck me in the ass."
"What?!?"
"I need motivation. Just say that if I don't put away $500 every month, you'll fuck me in the ass."
"I'm not gay Jerry. Sorry."
"But you dress so well...Oh well. How about taking a dump in my coffee? Could you do that for me?"

Once again their example is awesome. If you fail to pay off your credit cards you have to wax your car. Leaving aside the fact that for almost everyone in the world paying off a few thousand dollars in debt is more painful than waxing a car (which can actually be fun for some) It doesn't solve the problem at hand.

"Honey, they're repoing the television"
"Not again!"
"On the plus side the El Camino looks awesome!"
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