Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Being a loser is easy. I should know. I've been wondering why so many of my entries have negative moods attached to them when I've been feeling pretty decent recently. I think part of it is that I tend to accentuate the negative in any given situation so if I'm feeling both anxious and accomplished, for example, I will only talk about being anxious. I think it also may be because I don't know HOW to feel good. I get in a situation where I'm used to feeling lousy and I just assume that's how I feel even if it's not, because I don't understand the actual emotions I'm having.

I told you it was easy to be a loser.

I talked to someone last night online who is either going through a lot of shit, or bullshiting me for shits and giggles. I said shit no less than three times in that last sensative, and if you're offended...well I don't give a shit. Anyway I talked to this person and I basically said a bunch of the stuff that Jeff's been telling me for the past 6 years (with changes for different problems/positions of course) and it made me realize just how hard this whole healing thing is. I know that all the stuff I told him/her won't make a lick of difference because it will seem unconvincing in morning's light. Human beings are so complicated and it's so hard to get inside yourself because you can't get outside yourself. You have no leverage on your own psyche.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I put down artistic and it's true but there's about three billion emotions racing around in my mind. I used a metaphor last night which I think is pretty good for my situation. It's like I've emerged from a 7 year tunnel and now I'm blinded by the light. Or maybe I'm still in the tunnel and I just passed a sunbeam. I don't know.

If my mother was not returning from South Africa to turn my life into hell soon, I might even feel pretty good about myself right now. Thank god there's always mommy dearest to bring me back down.
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