Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Somebody tell me if I am sleeping, someone should be with me here. Cause I don't wanna be alone

The trouble with building a house of straw is that as airy and comfortable as it can be during the summer months, there are always wolves out there prowling ready to blow it away from over you and leave you exposed to the harshness of the elements and the sharpness of his teeth.

Things all came to a head at once today. First there was Spanish class where I didn't do very well on the test, which would be okay if I had been doing well on previous tests. As it stands I'm pretty well entrenched in the B+/A- territory. Not good. Not good at all.

To add to that I haven't yet gotten a group for the Oral presentation and today was the deadline. I emailed the professor about it and she said just look for one on monday, so I should be okay gradewise, but the groups will practise over the weekend and I will be left out meaning that any group I join is going to have to play catch up. There is nothing that I like less than being a drain on or relying on the kindness of other people. I want to pay my own way thank you very much. I want to wrack up the credit not the debt. But I'll do what I have to. Still it's left me with an uncomfortable feeling that won't disipiate probably until final grades are in.

As if that weren't enough my Doctor has started a game of phone tag with me. Apparently there is something in my test results that he needs to talk to me about. It obviously isn't urgent or he would be a little less lackadaisical about it, but since I hadn't been to a physician in years before I went to him I might have just about any disorder under the sun and wouldn't have known about it. Of course it's probably a billing thing or just some sort of cholesterol issue that will go away on its own as my diet continues to improve, but still not great to hear my doctor is looking for me after I had thought I was free and clear. Plus I won't be able to call tomorrow unless it's from work and I can't use my supervisor's phone without permission and I'm in her office right now.


Next I went in to work, which was alright. I checked on the animals and did some data entry. The thing is that whoever started this data entry file did a crappy job. I've had to fix a decent amount of stuff and I don't know how much else there is that needs fixing that I never noticed was wrong. Tomorrow is going to be tough since I'm going to have to do weaning all by myself. Weaning is tough enough with my supervisor, alone it's going to be hell on wheels. I never should have mentioned it.

Also I made myself a little too at home in the supervisor's office. Had to go back and straighten it up after I left it. Gotta make sure not to get too comfortable. I don't know why I feel so damned comfortable at that place...I'm normaly the most on edge guy you'll meet.

I lost focus in psych and I hope I took good enough notes to pass. I think the professor thinks I'm a sycophant which is just...UGH...but I really do like discussing issues after class. Anyway she's grading objectively so I'll just have to do well on the test. It's not like I can screw up a multiple choice test just my annoying the grader.

I've been wondering recently which direction my personality will take. I have two personas that I use in different situations. The one is an ornery take-no-crap guy who gives not a fuck what others think and wants only to claw his way up in the world. The other is what I have always thought of as my true self, the sensative introspective soft version who would rather wile away the hours teasing the meaning from poetry or writing about his "feelings" than racing rats for the scraps of cheese that the world leaves lying around.

The thing is that my ornery self just does so much BETTER. He can handle the pressure and the tough decisions without giving in. But on the other hand I feel like I somewhat seperate myself from my humanity and who I am when I do that. That I trade honesty for expediency.

I just wish I knew who I wanted to be

(Oh and for those who might worry about my psychological health, don't worry it's fine. I don't actually think I'm two different people or anything. Everyone uses personas to get through their day and I'm just making conscious statements about mine. Really I'm fine. The green men tell me so)

Oh and in case this stuff wasn't bad enough, my diet has been terrible these last few days. I've been eating crap and skipping dinner because I'm not hungry enough to eat it. That's NOT a good thing. I really need to reform that. BUt not tomorrow. Tomorrow I have work.

Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a zero sum game with myself dancing around the real meaningful issues by shuffling levels of meaningless activity to convince myself I'm moving forward while I'm really standing still.
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