This whole thing with the music girl has got me thinking about my crush. I should be over her by now, but I am not. I feel like I blew a HUGE opportunity by moving seats when she sat next to me, and that based on the party she might think that I am gay, which I am not. All of this makes me pretty depressed because I really liked her and I wish I had done everything in my power to make her like me. I did not, I was too much of a pussy. She's the kind of girl who comes along once a decade and I fucking blew it. I wish I never met her, I wish I never tried to get her, I wish that I had some reason to contact her after she doesn't email me during august, I wish I didn't wish she would talk to me.
This is one of the reasons that I don't really try to interact with women. I get way too attached way too easily and then I can't break away when they (inevitably) display their disinterest. I am not the sort of man that was put on this earth for women to love. I am the sort of man who was put here to be an aquaintance or an irrelevancy in the background. I am a bachelor confirmed not by my desire but by circumstance. I am alone in meaningful ways.
I am exhausted, I am going to sleep, I am filled with regrets and yet I feel alright. When I'm doing well even the bad can feel good and when I'm doing poorly the good becomes bad. It's like my mood is detached from my life. How s-s-strange.