I'm sorry for bothering anyone who still reads this thing with the same issues over and over but these are the issues that I am dealing with, and it would be dishonest to manufacture or focus on something else. I feel GUILTY for writing about this stuff so much because I feel like I could make a more entertaining journal at the cost of honesty and helpfulness to me. Is that a fair trade off?
Right now I'm second guessing all my behavior this summer. I'm second guessing myself, essentially, who I AM. It's ironic because I think that if I was different in any meaningful way, I wouldn't have remotely similar goals and desires to the ones I have now. The Mistake would have been just a wierd and pretty girl instead of the fascinatingly brilliant creature I found her to be. I might even be more focused on my grades than etherial concepts and I might be living life instead of theorizing about it. I am not someone else though, and although I am capable of acting differently is the social pay-off for betraying my urges worth it? I'm not talking about doing anything truly outrageous, just my desire to say every remotely witty thing that gets into my head and my not fitting in.
Maybe I should go to a catholic school where there ARE no women and where behavior outside the norms recieves severe and sudden sanctions. At least then I could rationalize my isolation and disconnection. At least then I could have some excuses.
My friend's friend lies a lot. He's a slightly chubby dorky short 30 year old chinese kid (I say kid because this guy is less mature than I am, and I'm probably still in my teenager phase since I'm only 19) and he lies a ton. The thing is that I see a lot of myself in him, and in everyone I don't like. Not in the lying, but the self centerdness and the self focus. I think I carry it off a bit better because I'm smarter and cleverer than he is, and because the things I say about myself are almost always true (I sometimes make small lies because I don't want to explain complicated truths, but when I do I try to keep them as close to the truth as possible.) Still, I feel like I am surrounded by morality lessons. My one friend with his life even worse than mine is, another friend who is even more focused on the female gender than I am and thusly even more unable to achieve meaningful contact, my third friend whose so driven to success that he has lost touch with all other aspects of his life.
How do I change, how do I re-arange, how do I put back together what I have and what has been torn assunder? My dream life is not completely unreachable. It is a simple existance of success, hard labor at something meaningful, and companionship. People have gotten there from where I am now with what I have now. I just can't for the life of me see HOW. And every path that seems like it MIGHT lead there requires a ton of sacrifice and work with no guaranteed payoff. Life makes me say Arrgh.
I took a silly quiz I spotted in someone else's Livejournal and in it I said that my ideal spot to live in is urban, but I'm not so sure anymore. Would I be happier in the country, where privacy and solitude are not just an illusion. I like having culture and shopping nearby, but automobiles exist for that very reason. Maybe a nice place in upstate New York? Close enough to the city, but far enough at the same time. God I sound like a suburbanite or my shrink with his 1500 square footer in Bumfuck, Nowheresville. Is sounding like that a bad thing though? How do I know which judgements are mine and which I am just clinging to because I think I'm supposed to have them. I can't remember anymore. I'm 19 fucking years old and these decisions and ruminations don't MEAN anything yet. The truth is that I can't pick a career because nobody will hire me, I can't pick a mate because I'm not self sufficient or mature enough, and I sure as hell can't decide where to live because I have no MONEY.
That's one of the problems I have with my life. Nothing I decide seems to mean anything. School is not enough to keep my mind and ambition occupied, and the opportunities for social interaction out there seem pretty anemic in my limited and often maligned experience. I am 19 but I don't belong at this age. I belong at 25 or 35 or 45 or 55 (the age my father died at.) I thought that the college years were supposed to be the best of our lives (I know they said that about high school but nobody EVER believes that. Some people do believe it about college.) Why do I feel like I'm still just fuel sitting around waiting to get lit?
Light me someone, strike a match and jam it deep inside where it can cause sweet combustion. Burn me brightly, and let me burn. Just let me burn. I want to shine for once like I've always been told to. I want to hold back the darkness and bathe in the light.
Yeah, asshole, I know I'm going to have to light myself, but can't a manboy dream?