Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I don't get no sleep in a quiet room

So the summer is actually winding to an end and I'm going to have to face the next semester. I'm feeling somewhat conflicted about this. Yeah this summer was pretty difficult and very exhausting, what with all the classes and the work and the unbearable heat and starting serious bike riding and all the rest of it, but now that I've managed to perservere and push through it all I feel pretty good about how it went and what I accomplished. I managed to get work experience in the field I wanted experience in while eliminating several important requirements for school and even managing to RAISE my GPA through the whole ordeal. That's not bad for 12 weeks. In addition I met a lot of interesting people, none as interesting as _____ but interesting nonetheless and some of them are now done with Columbia so I will likely never see them again.

More importantly than the accomplishments and entertainments of the summer, though, is that I don't want to deal with this upcoming semester.

Although it will only TECHNICALLY be the second semester of my sophomore year, the fact that I have 9 more credits than the average incoming junior belies the idea that that's actually what it's going to be. I will be a junior and as such I will have to start facing the grim reality of making difficult choices. I don't like difficult choices.

If I want to pursue psychology and political science I will have to focus on those two things at the expense of other interesting subjects, including English which I should definitly find some time to take a few more classes in. If I decide to spend more time exploring then I miss my chance to do the psych/poli-sci thing with poli-sci honors which is something I sort of have my heart set on. The closer you get to the finish line the fewer detours and options you get. It's a sad fact of life.

Then there's the fact that even if I ignore all my exploratory urges I have to pick classes for this upcoming semester. There's just too much that I want to take. I need to get rid of my behavioral psych requirement, I want to do an independant study in the lab I've been working in, and I want to take this interesting seminar that just opened up. Oh, and did I mention the 17 other credits of stuff that I NEED to take to accomplish my goals?

Eep.

Also I need to get back on my fitness kick and I want to continue volunteering somewhere if not neccesarily in GED land. In units of "stuff to do" that combination would be measured as "One load." It's not that I don't think I can handle it mind you, it's more that I know it's going to be stressful and I know it's going to have moments where I WON'T feel like I'll be able to hand it. I hate that feeling. I had it this summer several times, where I just knew that I wouldn't be able to escape with the grades I wanted.

Then there's the social aspect, the place where I've made the least progress of anywhere. It's a complicated one for me, since I have even less knowledge of my goals in this realm than I do anywhere else. I know that I don't want to hook up with a cootie carrier, that much is a given, but the rest of my social goals remain shrouded to me. I should probably attempt to meet and make more friends but that's really more of a "should" than a "want to." The truth of the matter is that I don't feel comfortable around or enjoy the company of most people. That's one of the great things about online, people you don't mesh with can be easily discarded with no hurt feelings on either side. I don't know, friendship probably shouldn't be sought out and instead allowed to develop, if it will. Still I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on what people say is the essence of college by living at home and focusing on academics. I don't want to get drunk, I don't want to go to parties (there's not much I hate as powerfully as a party) and I'm not going to bother myself playing soulless games with well-used women, but everyone talks about how college is so much more about the social aspects than the academics I feel…almost like I'm wasting my time in the classroom. I don't know, maybe I should just accept that I am, indeed, as I've always claimed, a loner and that I'm wasting my time trying to fit in in a way that just isn't me.

Perhaps that sort of claim would ring less hollow if I didn't feel like something was missing or if getting good grades took up more of my time.

Tonight I'm leaving for a week in Maine. With my mother. I'm looking forward to seeing the house again, but I really don't want to spend 9 hours in the car or a week in the house with her. She's just too damned crazy and gets way too much enjoyment out of taking out her bullshit on me. Maybe it's not wise to go but I can't let a crazyperson chase me away from my house, or the lake where my father's ashes lie. It's an emotional place but I need to go if just to face the ghosts (his, and that of the person I used to be) once more.

I might post from up there but probably not because I don't like using her computer for personal stuff. I'll almost certainly have a ton to say when I get back though.

I have a ton to say now but no time to say it.
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