Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Do you think you can cope?

An open letters to all of my readers who happen to be Ducks:

Dear Ducks,
Look...I am a large male human being. I am admitidly somewhat less large than I once was and hopefully a reasonable amount larger than I will eventually be....but that does not change the basic fact of what I am. Given that I am, as previously deliniated, a large human male...I demand that you give me a certain amount of respect. When I clump in your direction you are required, by centuries of agreement between my species and yours, to move out of the way. This movement should generally consist of a bit of flying with an indignant squawk or two and then settling into the water a fair way off. Reasonably paced waddling or swimming are also acceptable, although not as welcomed. What is not acceptable, however, is for you to look at me with your little duckie eyes and just stand there while I walk up less than two feet away. You are a wild duck, not a domesticated puppy to be hovering easily within touching range. This is not respectful of the fearsomeness and predatory nature of species and is in fact insulting to me as an individual. I will not be treated as some sort of green-jeaned softy who is incapable of frightening even a plump little duck. I know that you are a bird-brain (by definition) and may have some trouble retaining this but it’s really not an unreasonable demand.

Another thing...if you are going to spend time swimming around the dock where I am standing or sitting I expect a reasonable amount of quacking. You are ducks...quacking is one of the major things that you do. If you’re going to waddle onto my property and not even flit away when I splash you with water the LEAST you could do would be to give a quack or two so that I might partake of the entire Duck experience as long as you insist on hanging around. Yes, it’s quite impressive that you can catch bread in the air when I toss bits at you but this parlor trick does not excuse you from quacking duties. Duck of Rangely is a position that comes with fairly few responsibilities but they are nonetheless serious ones. I expect a much better accounting of you next time.

I should add that if you want someone to hang with merely for company I suggest you go and see Julian down the lakefront a little from where we stay. He really is a lovely man and at the age of 83 although he is quite spry he does not have the energy to chase away ducks, even miscreants such as yourselves. He is also the nephew of Gertrude Stein, who was quite a famous lesbian back in the day, so that’s something else to recomend him. How could you not want to spend time with the nephew of a famous lesbian? Plus he knows a lot about railroads.

In conclusion...please improve your duck behavior or find someone else to interact with. Your lack of respect and quacking leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. What do you think you are? A goose?
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