It's strange…according to many conventional standards I should be at least somewhat satisfied with the way things are going. I'm at a top college, getting top notch grades (to the point where I can be disapointed by failing to get an A+) doing well in pretty much all the other aspects of my life that matter to me, and have a future that should seem brighter and brighter by the day.
The thing is…I don't care. I really don't. It sort of surprised me when I realized it but now that I have it explains a lot of other stuff. Like my inability to choose a direction in my life…I'm apathetic not ambivalent. Or my lack of satisfaction in work or volunteerism. It's hard to be satisfied when you don't care.
Of course I do care…it's more a matter of having given up hope.
I've given up hope that I could effect change in any field that I chose to enter…and if I can't effect change then what's the point? Why bother? For me there's no internal joy without external consequences. I want to achieve not "enjoy the process." I've also given up hope that our society will turn itself around and stop sliding into an amoral feminized pit of simplicity and meaninglessness. I've given up hope that we will jar ourselves out of this malise.
I think that all of this was brought about by the death of the complicated idea. Think about it…when was the last time you heard someone say "It's complicated" as something other than a dismisal of the subject? The soundbite age is about simplicity and universality and it doesn't work at all. Sometimes I feel that my scholarly success is purely based on the fact that I understand that not all things have a single cause or a single solution, or even a single essential aspect/facet. It's possible to view a text from both a classic and deconstructionalist perspective. Sometimes a drug problem is related to other stuff and sometimes it's just a drug problem. There are at least two simple ways to determine statistical significance (confidence interval, Z/T test).
These days it's all about latching on to a single, usually not bad, idea and riding it into the dirt until all sorts of horrible and illogical conclusions are reached and then hung on to.
Even COMPLEXITY has been simplified. It used to be that certain things were viewed in a two dimensional black and white context. Now we know better…however now we look at things from so MANY damned perspectives that they lose all meaning. 16 dimensions is WORSE than two.
I am caught in the wrong time, the wrong generation. I don't belong here. I can't fix things…the disease is too deeply entrenched for one man to make any significant progress against it.
Maybe I'm not drifting. Maybe I'm just standing on the shore watching helplessly as the greatest society in earth's history goes hurtling over the waterfall.
Whatever it is it sucks.