Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I spent this evening with my best buddy from high school. It was awkward and unsatisfying, whatever connection was there is definitly gone. I am starting to feel really alone. My mom's in South Africa, Hee-Ann's going back to LA for a couple weeks, Kawah Paul and the gang don't want to hang out with me, and Robert has his own thing going on and isn't really going to be much of a friend. He's moved on with his life but I feel like I've leapfrogged him in a way even though I thought I was standing still. He's involved in the typical late teen early 20's thing, making fake IDs with his computer , dating some girl he met through a cafe dating service, and hanging out with friends who drop by eachother's houses and make fools of themselves over visitng girls.

In terms of scenes, that is not mine. I dunno, maybe I will go through a phase like that at some time but I doubt it. When I lie around in a room full of people I get claustrophobic.

I'm alone and I'm not sure if I like it. I am utterly alone, I could die and nobody would find out until the housekeeper came in to clean. Nobody cares about me. But I am also free, free to create, free to be me, free to read or watch TV or just lie on my ass and feel sorry for myself. Nobody gives a damn about what I do and what happens to me and I feel liberated. I was planning to use this summer to improve myself to impress Ms. Heartstomper, but since that's not going to happen I think I might try to improve myself to impress me and move even further away from socialization. The first time I went to school I used to hang out by myself reading bad magazines in fast food joints, I might go back to that.

Nobody reads this anymore except my shrink and that's okay. Even here, in public, with my innermost thoughts on display, I am alone and isolated. It's liberating to know that you can shout into the void and not encounter an echo.
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