Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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You wanna see the rain but the sun gets in your eyes and you wanna die now

Everything just collapsed in on me today. My mood started freefalling in the morning when I woke up feeling crappy, and hasn't stopped yet even after a thrilling Giants victory over the hated Rams, something that usually is guaranteed to energize and revitalize me.

I don't know why my mood dropped so quickly and heavily. I think that it mostly has to do with feeling a little burnt out, having been physically sick for the past couple of weeks to the point where it's starting to wear on me, and being frustrated with the general way in which my life has stalled.

The thing is, at core I'm really quite a miserable person. I have no true joys or pleasures in life. There are things that amuse me, sure, but I don't have a passion for anything in particular and there's nothing in my life that's all upside. Everything comes with more or less of a price and usually it's more. This makes me quite vulnerable to feeling deeply shitty, further exaserbated by the fact that I have nobody in the world who really cares about me so I end up having to draw myself back from the brink relying only on my own internal will to....well...survive. It ends up being an exhausting process of fighting myself and my natural tendancies (I definitly have a genetic tendancy towards depression. There's actually a huge history of mental illness on my father's side of the family.)

Ultimatly I think it boils down to the fact that I feel lost, and more importantly I don't see much hope of finding my way. The best I can do is just hang on and keep moving forward come hell or high water, with nothing better than the blind faith that eventually life gets easier and less...well...totally shitty. That faith isn't easy to muster day in and out for an atheist without the ability to trust...it's running out.

Right now I need to get all this stuff back under control and do the homework that I need to get done for this week...then start making up some stuff next weekend since this one was wasted.

Actually I think the Giants game has left me feeling a little better, that and the De La Hoya victory against that little punk Vargas.

I think that one of the reasons that we love sports that nobody talks about is the fact that it's one of the only places in the world where truly good things happen and it's uncomplicated and just plain enjoyable. When your team wins the big game you feel good...and there's no downside. Sure the other team had to lose but they're the bad guys and it's not like they're seriously hurt or anything. They'll come back to fight another day. In REAL life even the best events have a serious and dangerous downside. When your country wins a war, well thousands upon thousands of innocents die on the other side (in ANY war), when you get married you're cutting off your chances of finding someone better down the road, when a child is born he brings with him decades of responsibilities and millions of dollars in costs.

There's none of that ambiguity when Kerry Collins lofts a ball that finds its way into Jeremy Shockey's big mitts and the rookie breaks the plane for 6.

I wish a hell of a lot more of life were that simple.
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