Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I'm here to knock you down.

It's been an okay couple of days. A few interesting things have happened and I think I've made a pretty important decision regarding how I'm going to approach life, at least for now.

Thursday was fairly uneventful, except for some schedule juggling that was fairly irritating. I also read an article about cheating on campus, and how widely accepted it is, which I already knew but helped me to formulate a change in attitude that I think is going to help me regain control over my self. That change in philosophy can best be summed up as follows.

"Fuck You."

Not you specifically, if anyone is actually reading this, but rather the collective "you" that makes up or sad excuse for a society. You see, I've been pondering what's caused my recent loss of emotional control and I've come up with what I think is at least a significant part of the answer…I'd begun to actually worry about socializing and connecting with other people. The fact that I have not been successful at these things had been bothering me. I got rejected from Mock Trial, unfairly in my opinion, had a couple people not respond to my email or offers, and started to feel alienated. Fuck that. I don't need the approval of bunch of corrupt immoral savages to fuel my sense of self worth and purpose. Time and time again it has been proven to me that there is nobody out there who I can rely on except me. I am alone and I just have to suck it up and learn to deal with it, because every time I start to attempt connection it just leaves me exposed and vulnerable and serves no productive purposes. I'm tired of people telling me I need more friends…or a girlfriend…or anyone. I'm tired of believing them when they say that all you have to do is put yourself out there. It simply isn't true, maybe for other people it is, but for me it isn't and I need to accept that, build the defenses and inner strength neccesary for living alone, and move on with my goddamned life. I can survive alone…I've learned that lesson well over the past 8.5 years…and I guess it's just what I was designed for. I'm not the type of person who has friends or gets along with people or any of that. I'm the outsider who can impress and even dazzle at times but never be a part of the group. Oh well…that's a role I'll have to embrace and deal with. There's nothing of great importance wrong with me…I don't need to accept other people's judgement that I am too flawed to deal with. I can't afford to worry about what they think, and I can't afford to allow myself to care.

That brings me to the other thing I did on Thursday. I went to Philo to offer my humorously constructed little speech. When I got there it turned out we had lost our usual room so I spent about half an hour trying to gather a contingent of Philo men to "roust" the invaders. It got a couple laughs but mostly people were being irritable and silly.

Eventually we settled into the standby room and the meeting commenced. It was somewhat lame but I finally did get to say what I wanted to say…the text of which is reconstructed from memory at the bottom of this entry. I got pretty much the reaction I wanted. A lot of laughs from the guys and a lot of glares from the girls. I even pulled off my arrogant opening, which was to give the censor a pad of paper and a pen so that she might rip into me all she wanted. She didn't take the hint though and I think that it even softened her reaction because it was seen as a gift. Pity.

I did a good enough job of pissing people off that the moderator felt the need to rip into me for about 5 minutes about my scientifically inaccurate model of menstruation. I tried to reply that I had argued the week before that Dolphins were a mineral and was being faceitious in my statements but she wasn't hearing any of it. She did manage to say directly to me "I still like you, you're a nice person" during her diatribe which served no purpose but to irritate me. I don't need random patronizing reassurances from strangers that they still like me even though I made some jokes about menstruation. I don't feel bad about what I said…it was intended in the same spirit that "Dolphins are a mineral" was…which is to say a NOT scientifically accurate spirit. The rest of the meeting went fairly uneventfully, although I haven't mentioned the incredibly self centered girl who started off the meeting talking about all the things she wanted from the club and why we should give them to her because she was so very great.

I went home as soon as the thing ended because I had a 9 AM class on Friday.

Friday was pretty relaxed. I had that class which was alright but not particularly good or bad, and then I went to the tailor to get some pants shortened and went to my handyman's retirement party, which was extraordinarily awkward but otherwise okay. He's a great little guy, and it's sad to see him retire after 35 years. I asked him what he was looking forward to most in his retirement and he said that he was already bored and looking for new things to do. Oh well. Talked to a lot of old women who seemed to all know me from somewhere.

Nothing has happened today. I need to get work done but I probably won't. I've also developed a bit of a more relaxed attitude to school along with my new "fuck you" philosophy. No point in stressing about how my study habits LOOK to other people. I'll just do what I have to like everybody else.

Behind the link below is the text of what I said at Philo. It was funnier when spoken than when written and it's a little different from what the actual text was because I don't remember exactly what I said. It's offensive but sort of funny I think. Just the way I wanted it. I'll probably only make one more appearance at that club, since I agreed to speak next week and I always honor my commitments, or at least ALMOST always. After that who knows. The moderator doesn't like me and I don't want to get in her hair…plus the rest of the people don't have much affection for me either. Maybe it's best to bow out gracefully and commence turning more and more bitter and hostile…like a fine wine.


I suppose I could start off by discussing the generally accepted rationale as to why women are soulless…which is of course that they are all demonic slaves of satan. This can be most clearly demonstrated by the fact that they bleed on a regular basis. It is clear that this menstrual blood serves only one purpose, and that is for them to sign pacts with their dark overlord pledging their alleigance to him. This alleigance is demonstrated in numerous ways, from their rejection of Mr Sullivan from another state (reference to previous speech) to their constant flipping of the crosses in various churches to their carving pentagrams into the flesh of their newborn children. Indeed women labor day in and out in Satan's workshop at the North Pole producing baubles to distract and weaken the minds of boys who still serve our lord God, while they mine valuable hydrocarbon fuels to give to those who's hearts have been blackened with evil. (Unfortunatly nobody really asked about Santa so my joke there never got off the ground.)

At this point someone asked about pregnant women, who don't menstruate, and I answered it.

Well you see…when a woman is pregnant she has another being's soul inside her which is not hers to sell…so she does not utilize her blood to make an oath to her dark lord since he is more concerned with corrupting the infant than reaffirming his dark pact with his already willing servant. The reason that only women can bear children is quite simple...see it is clear that two souls can not exist at the same time in a single body and so we see that the woman provides the perfect empty vessel in which for a new soul to grow and develop…since she has none of her own. As for twins, well they share a single soul…this explains the ESP effect that we often hear about between twins. This is true for all multiple births.

However…I do not wish to argue the accepted academic version of why women are soulless. Indeed I prefer to take a different tact. Aristotle says that the purpose of the soul is to pursue knowledge…and as we all know women cannot learn. Indeed even our fine institution of Columbia College knew that women were incapable of learning and thus did not admit them until 1983, prefering to keep them out in the barnyard (Barnard is the women's college attached to CU). Furthermore we can illustrate the inability of women to advance their own knowledge by examining the toilet seat phenomenon. Women routinely tumble headfirst into toilets because they fail to check whether the seat is down or not. Indeed 28% of fire department budgets are spent trying to rescue women from their own toilets so that they don't drown in the porcelin bowls. Even with the use of educational software, such as "The Oregon Trail" (this was the brownie points challenge of the week, work the Oregon Trail videogame into your speech…but I didn't get brownie points because I had already pissed off the moderator so much.) it is clear that women are entirely incapable of learning.

This is a convincing argument, I know, but even it is not the most important point. Indeed I think we need to address the elephant in the room that nobody has touched upon yet. Flatulence. Someone who has a soul will naturally find flatulence to be extremely hilarious, and yet women have waged an unending war of aggression against flatulence and those who perform it for many years. Indeed they have sought to wipe the most impotant examples of flatulence from our country's history, for example only 55% of high school seniors know that Lincoln gave the Gettysburg address through flatulence and this is what made it so hillarious and effective….

At this point the moderator came up and asked me to stop speaking and I did..having pretty much completed my speech anyway.

I failed to work in a couple of the ideas I'd had planned, but otherwise it went basically as I thought it would. I do wish I could have written it out beforehand to improve the flow but oh well.

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