Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I lost my dream of the future some time in the last 24 hours. I'm really surprised at how fast my drive dissipated from directed to rejected and I'm alone again and living day to day. I have the class to teach tomorrow and it is a life line, I'm glad I set at least that up for myself, but I feel so isolated. My life has stalled again, my life keeps stalling. When do I get to exit the starting gate.

When I was a little boy my father used to motivate me in almost everything I did. From horseback riding to school he'd drive me like he drove himself, and I excelled. Ever since he's been gone I've been waiting for something to take his place, and I know it has to be me...I KNOW! But I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I get up the urge and build the energy and then it fizzles. I don't know if I have it in me. Jesus, I don't know much of anything at this point.

Thinking about the fall semester and what classes I will take. I should also take some extra cirricular stuff just because. I need to meet interesting and worthwhile people, where are they hiding. I can honestly say that at this moment right now I'm not afraid of death....just of pain.

I'm just afraid of pain.
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