Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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We all want to seem like we've got it all figured out.

Today might as well not have happened. Nothing of value or interest was accomplished. The Giants and Jets both won and I saw parts of both games, although to tell the truth I've lost a good deal of my interest in football recently which is not a good sign, since it's something that I have been enjoying for a fairly long time. I get bored of things though and I move on to the next...only now there's no new thing to move on to.

I played a bunch of Vice City, which is a good game but one that I'm not particulary good at. Truth be told I'm not a great video game player. I play a fair amount, not as much as many people do, but I tend not to develop my skills to the level that many people I know have. There are a variety of reasons for this, but I think an interesting one is my inflexibility. Once I learn a certain pattern of responses I tend to stick with it and ride it out, refining it and practicing it but rarely replacing it. Some games require you to learn new skills and how to do things in brand new ways, breaking out of old habits and replacing them entirely, even if it feels unnatural and uncomfortable to do so at first.

I see this as something of a mini- for life. We learn habits and ways of doing things, and it's extraordinarily hard to alter those patterns, and once again I'm even worse at this than most people (who suck big time, for the most part.) The problem is that I'm good at refining my routines so that they work even though they shouldn't My school routine has been shitty from day one (or rather since april 6th 1992) and I have made it work just through raw academic talent even though it shouldn't. There are other examples of routines that have not worked so well for me. I have tried to change some, and even succeeded, but it is difficult to overcome conditioned responses.

Of course the other thing about videogames is it is possible to change your routine and actually do worse than when you started. This is also true of life. You can make a monumental effort to change and end up worse than when you began.

I guess I'm bringing this up because I feel that I made some bad changes in my life this semester. I added more work, which caused me to be more stressed and have less fun, and I tried to be more social...which just ended badly. I need to go back to my old patterns there, or at least find new ones that work better. On the other hand there is still stuff I DO need to change and I need to recognize that. I think I've done a good job of re-establishing SOME equalibrium and now I need to start figuring out where to go. Where to attempt progress.

One of the most annoying things about life is that much of the time you need to go down paths blindly...hoping that there's a pot of gold under the rainbow you've chosen. Whether it's taking courses in a field you find out you hate, pursuing the wrong romantic partner, or working really hard for something that turns out to be unattainable (like Star Football players who blow their knees out before they can turn pro.) I've done a lot of that and I'm questioning if there are any right paths.

In videogames there are always hint guides and FAQs that can help you if you find that nothing you are doing is working. As it turns out in life everybody is playing a different game and there are no sure answers. You can't just ask "What did YOU do to beat this level" because the goals are always different and the answers are too. My problem is that I'm starting to think that the game I was handed is buggy and there is no way to beat it or even do particularly well in it. You can only run around surviving. Eventually though, when you're in one of those situations in a videogame you just turn it off and play another one. Life doesn't work QUITE like that.

Okay...this was really cheesy, obvious, and even stupid...but what did you expect at 1 AM after a wasted day? Profoundity? I need to get to work on my paper and I need to figure out SOMETHING, anything, about my life. That will wait until I've had some sleep though.
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