I don't even know how to describe the sheer...emptiness of the past few days. Tuesday was just a blur of cruddy mediocrity. It's not even worth getting into except to say that I was given an ultimatum in Comparative politics that ruined the rest of the week by forcing me to churn out an outline for my stupid paper that I have no interest to do but need to start.
It was one of those days where you can't possibly figure out a reason for life to exist because it's so shockingly banal. I don't know how else to describe it because part of what made it so horrible was just how...forgettable...it was.
Wednesday was a little better but it was a gray and rainy day that only looked good in comparison to what came before, and to a lesser extent what was to come after. American Politics was okay but bland. There's a big assignment coming up in that class that I need to get cracking on. The most annoying thing about the class is that attending class is entertaining but has nothing to do with what grade you get. Everything is based on the readings and the class is just...I don't even know how to explain it. Superfluous.
My Japanese Anthro class was cancelled because the professor was sick. Instead of going home and working I went home and played GTA 3. I just needed the break and I figured it was free time anyway. That's 1/13th of this already fluffy class just axed from the schedule. I wonder what this semester would have been like had this class been real? Would it have been worse because of all the extra work or better because an interesting class can be a lynchpin for me, giving me something to hold on to during a tough semester. Last semester I had Justice and I think that class did quite a lot to not only make school more bearable but make me a happier and better balanced person during the process.
Our discussion of Galileo in CC was semi-interesting although we didn't really get into the political implications which is odd for a political philosophy class. I think Galileo was a swell guy. I wish he was my friend and he spoke english.
At some point yesterday I wrote my outline, badly. It will probably be enough to satisfy the requirement but I need to get started on real work. I just need to sit down and start writing but whenever I try I just get so agitated and unhappy I need to stop. It's like I have an aversion to schoolwork.
Thursday sucked in its own right. Psychology was actually okay, I find the subject of bilingualism to be at least somewhat interesting and we got to some pretty intriguing experiments that showed some interesting stuff about how the mind works. Of course I was talking to Dan after the class and he brought up the bane of my existance at present...registration.
I have always hated registration at this school, this semester especially. The thing is that not only do I need to actually find classes that I want to take, but this time I need to go register as a poli-sci major (a MAJOR headache because I need permission for that AND I need to actually find someone who will give me a form to do it, since Columbia hasn't felt any need to give me an advisor since Freshman year). I also am forced to beg professors to allow me into their seminars, always a humiliating and irritating experience, and to make things SUPER peachy the registrar has failed to upload my appointment times because of "technical issues."
At this point I'm so bored by comparative politics that It's not even interesting to write about how boring it is. It's like a recursive loop of mundanity and inanity.
American politics was kind of funky as we actually learned an interesting way to classify presidents which gave me a little bit more perspective on the political processes of this country...so that was good. However I was distracted doing other reading during the process and I picked up all the information anyway which was pretty disapointing. Class shouldn't be so easy that you can have it going on in the background and still pick up all the salient points.
Comparative discussion section was its usual lame self. I did a decent job with my questions and it was relatively painless. That's all I want to say about that.
Finally there was Philo. I spent the hour and a half between comparative politics and the meeting of the club trying to come up with something worthwhile to present...and all I managed was a great introduction and a terrible poem. It didn't matter because they had forgotten about me and let some new people recite incredibly stupid limericks. Then they forgot me when it came to the debate as well...
Frankly I am offended that even though I am one of the only consistantly funny members I get absolutely no respect and am even treated worse than the people who just go up and say stuff that amuses nobody.
Part of it is the fact that my humor often goes over people's heads and takes things to places they aren't expecting. When I used the term "Pristine urine" in a compliment it was not scatelogical, it was during the world series and in reference to Barry Bonds' alleged doping. However most of the people there bring it up like it was mere toilet humor. Sometimes when my more subtle jokes go flat I see a couple of the more intellegent members snickering to themselves but not willing to admit that they understand the humor in the statement.
Part of it is my weight, which I accept as something people are judgemental and at times cruel about. I'm not one of those whiners who goes around crying that people should "accept fat" and "get over the last allowable prejudice in America" but I don't have to respect people who don't respect me for reasons that I consider illegitimate. It's your right to act like an asshole for whatever reason strikes your fancy and it's my right to respond with scorn of my own.
Finally there's the fact that for whatever reason the majority of people just don't like me. Maybe it's that I'm quirky. Maybe it's that I am not good at getting outside of my head and just talking about idiotic bullshit to pass the time. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things I haven't even concieved of but it's true...
And it's made me something of an asshole. Not to everybody, but at somewhat random times. I'm just tired of people talking to me when they can't handle my personality and find myself uninterested in even STARTING a conversation that will lead to them being an asshole towards me.
I just want to be left alone at this point. I just want to curl up somewhere far from other people and not have to be disapointed by them all the time. It's a sad irony for me that the thing I seem to be best at is expression and communication and yet I don't want to communicate with ANYBODY.
I wish I could just produce stuff and not deal with people. I like writing, I like thinking, I like doing work. I just hate the associated interaction with humanity. Maybe I SHOULD just become a writer and live alone in a shack off in the woods with a couple of dogs to extend my lifespan a little.
In fact I'm not so sure I have a choice about it anymore if I want to maintain even a shred of sanity.