Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

I own my own pet virus, I get to pet and name her

Whoosh goes the semester, spinning ever quicker towards "over" while I tug at the reins and try to maintain some semblance of control. I have four major projects over the next couple of weeks. I also have to finish my registration, which has proved a pain in the ass due to poor advising and a lack of available interesting classes, despite a Middle Aged Steven Siegal fan's best attempts at help .

I've decided not to write any more long boring descriptions of my mundane life because nobody cares and frankly I'm bored of writing them, but I feel compelled to note a couple of things.

The first of these would have to be just how laborious trying to get anything done in the Columbia bureaucracy is. Let's just say that in order to achieve a few minor things, like a major addition and registration:I had to embark on a journey that involved visiting the boiler room of the wrong building due to the convenient practice of two campus buildings sharing the same name, get two professors to approve my attending their classes and get their signatures, wait for 2.5 hours to meet with an advisor who had misfiled forms she needed to give me the information I needed and had a report of my academic standing from December of last year.

It looks like Christmas has come early to Columbia cause the halls are decked with red tape.

No Holly has been spotted as of yet.

I also ran into She-Who-None-Of-You-Have-Been-Reading-Long-Enough-To-Remember on wednesday. I was walking to my American Politics class when I saw her, walking towards me actually covering her face with her hand in an apparent attempt to hide from me. I just walked right past her, actually thrusting myself into the bushes slightly to avoid any contact. It was a little shocking but I forced myself not to go down that road mentally, to maintain focus on the class and the stuff I had to do, and although I couldn't help but be somewhat distracted I did a fairly good job of keeping my mind on track. I am a little curious and a little insult about the whole hiding her face in her hand thing. I mean I understand if she finds me repulsive and doesn't want to so much as nod hello, but to hide her face like that? It's not like I'm incapable of seeing someone I sort of know and just walking past them wordlessly, and it's not like I've bothered her at all in the last 10 months, so I'm not sure why she'd do that. Whatever, I've moved past whatever happened or didn't and learned some valuable lessons in the process, like that people are not always going to treat you with respect or honesty, and that I'm an asshole for going against my gut impulse. I don't mean to ramble, it was just another random reminder of all the mistakes I've made.

Someone asked me towards the begining of the week why I'm not ready to be engaged by my class work, or really anything else. I've been thinking about this for awhile and I think the answer is that I don't want to try because I'm pretty sure I can't immerse myself in anything right now. My life is too distracting, too emotionally draining, and too immature for me to really devote myself to anything. College has been like high school for me. The more I push through the more I realize just how limited the whole experience feels. I need to get out of this city. It's just not conducive to my maturation or personal growth and as long as I stay here I'm not GOING to be able to find anything that can really grab me. I think I'm going to finish my degree at Columbia and then get the hell out of dodge. I would leave even... but I might as well see this thing through to the end and I figure my prospects for a future in the world at large will be enhanced significantly by having a degree to fall back on, especially in this economy. I just feel stunted by this environment and by the way my life has played itself out and I'm finally yearning to go somewhere else and start doing something. I also think I'm ready.

Anyway there are other reasons I don't find myself wanting to take literature courses by the boatload, ranging from the fact that I don't have the focus to read and really delve into any of the old classics right now to the fear I have that the other students in those classes will disapoint me more profoundly than those in my current classes have, to the plain truth that I don't think those things are really worth doing at this juncture. Would I enjoy a diet of literature and writing classes more than one of psych and social science? I don't know...probably. Would I find myself more engaged and involved? Possibly. Would I feel like I was wasting my time and focusing on something other than that which I want to do with my life? Definitly. I used to want to be a writer...that was a lifetime ago. Now I just want to leave some positive mark on the world...a meaningful one outside the realm of word and meter where great truths lie hidden in plain sight and almost universally ignored.

I wish I had more time in college to explore. I wish I had a better idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I wish I had gone to a school far far away from memories of my father and my nutty nasty lunatic of a mother. I'll deal with what I have available to me. All I know is that trying to force something I'm not ready for would be a big mistake and readyness has to come can't be brought about.

Maybe I will be ready my senior year...maybe I won't. Maybe I'll never take another lit class again, wouldn't surprise me. But right now I'm too immature and unfocused for it to be worthwhile to even try. I am going to focus on instrumental achievement and getting my degree because all that contemplation lead me to one certainty.

I need to get out of here.
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