Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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She says it's only in my head. She says Shh I know it's only in my head.

Yesterday was another session of the study group, this one for real, and it went pretty well. We wrote up outlines for half of the test questions and did a pretty decent job of it too. I ended up leading as usual, demonstrating my arrogance to a great degree when the group was unsure about how to use Mexico for a particular question and I said "Don't worry, I'll do it, I'm just that brilliant." It got a few laughs, and I did come through, but it was definitely a show of ego that in retrospect was probably not advisable. I had a decent time despite my headache, and we went out for an authentic Mexican meal and ragged on eachother's last names and parentage (Best pun of the day came when Justin informed us he was related to John Wilkes Booth and I said "There goes your shot at the presidency). After that we went back to school, appropriated a classroom, and did the rest of the work. It was hot and I was tired so I felt a release of inhibitions and I started cracking a lot of VERY politically incorrect jokes and just acting like myself. Anyway I made a joke about how something had damaged my fragile self esteem and the other guys just cracked up and rolled their eyes, saying that I had way too MUCH self-esteem and it would probably be good for me to be taken down a few notches.

This isn't the first time that someone has made a remark like that. A few months ago some girl called me an "Alpha Male" and I guess there's just this perception of me as a very confident take charge type guy. It surprises me.

The thing is that even though I have intentionally made myself appear more confident and forceful over the past couple of years I always expect people to see through it. Often they don't.

At times I wish I were back to my sensative, creative, curious, self but I know why I'm not. It wasn't working, I had to do something so I could function in the real world so I built up my defenses and made myself functional while sacrificing honesty for results. I don't regret it because it's something I had to do. Still it's strange to hear people's perceptions of my persona and how different they are from how I percieve myself.

Today we held another study session and though it went okay it ended with a somewhat disturbing exchange. We were talking about a variety of things (including a wedding in Senegal which is a strange story in and of itself) and the talk turned to law school. The two other guys were both sophomores and they were BOTH already in LSAT classes and thinking about what GPA they needed to get into Yale Law and stuff like that. They also talked longingly of the Yale eating clubs and other such stuff. I felt uneasy listening to the conversation because it just seemed so...success oriented. They weren't talking about being lawyers or life ambitions but just achieving the next rung on the ladder of success.

Those are just the sort of people I used to hate in high school. People with ambition but no direction.

Now I'm spending time with two of them. Both are nice guys, but it bothers me how far I've strayed from my natural habitat.

I don't want to end up like that. No matter what I don't want to end up a mindless success drone climbing a ladder to wealth power and emptiness.

Not gonna do it.

I need to get some studying for other classes done. I've focused exclusively on comparative politics and I have a huge foreign policy final tomorrow. It doesn't interest me though. I'm too focused on trying to figure out my damned life to be concerned with petty little examinations. I'm so tired of tests I can't even express it.
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