This isn't the first time that someone has made a remark like that. A few months ago some girl called me an "Alpha Male" and I guess there's just this perception of me as a very confident take charge type guy. It surprises me.
The thing is that even though I have intentionally made myself appear more confident and forceful over the past couple of years I always expect people to see through it. Often they don't.
At times I wish I were back to my sensative, creative, curious, self but I know why I'm not. It wasn't working, I had to do something so I could function in the real world so I built up my defenses and made myself functional while sacrificing honesty for results. I don't regret it because it's something I had to do. Still it's strange to hear people's perceptions of my persona and how different they are from how I percieve myself.
Today we held another study session and though it went okay it ended with a somewhat disturbing exchange. We were talking about a variety of things (including a wedding in Senegal which is a strange story in and of itself) and the talk turned to law school. The two other guys were both sophomores and they were BOTH already in LSAT classes and thinking about what GPA they needed to get into Yale Law and stuff like that. They also talked longingly of the Yale eating clubs and other such stuff. I felt uneasy listening to the conversation because it just seemed so...success oriented. They weren't talking about being lawyers or life ambitions but just achieving the next rung on the ladder of success.
Those are just the sort of people I used to hate in high school. People with ambition but no direction.
Now I'm spending time with two of them. Both are nice guys, but it bothers me how far I've strayed from my natural habitat.
I don't want to end up like that. No matter what I don't want to end up a mindless success drone climbing a ladder to wealth power and emptiness.
Not gonna do it.
I need to get some studying for other classes done. I've focused exclusively on comparative politics and I have a huge foreign policy final tomorrow. It doesn't interest me though. I'm too focused on trying to figure out my damned life to be concerned with petty little examinations. I'm so tired of tests I can't even express it.