Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I can't believe all the bullshit that I find.

I checked my grade on my psych final and I got a 97, which means one multiple choice wrong and a point off one of the essays. According to the grade sheet I ended up with an A+ in the class, although I didn't really deserve it based on my test scores. Either the professor wanted to give out two A+s (I DO have the second highest overall score in the class) or he liked my comments in class, which irritates me because I don't make them to get good grades but rather because I happen to have something to say. Anyway it bodes well for my semester GPA if this is in fact true (I'll believe it when it's on my transcript) and assuming that neither Comparative Politics nor American Foreign Policy downgrade me heavily for my finals I should do fine. I'm not so worried about Anthropology since I have a feeling she isn't one who gives out a lot of low grades, heck she said so herself.

On a more meaningful note I've decided that I no longer have the patience to listen to advice and criticism from people who make no effort to get to know me as a person or understand the positions I take. I need to make a concerted effort to find my own path and I've started to realize that too much of what I think is wrapped up in the suggestions or ideas of people who are imposing on me from their perspectives instead of trying to understand mine. When I give advice I try my best to step into the other person's shoes and give them suggestions consistant with their goals, abilities, and standards. I guess I always assumed that other people did the same but I've been thinking about various advice and suggestions I've been getting from LJ and other places and I don't think that's the case. Well I'm a special person (and I don't mean that in a sappy Dr. Phil everybody's special just because they're their own person way) and I have special needs and I'm not going to be shoehorned or pushed into a catagory or way of doing things just because other people think they work for the general population at large.

That ain't me.

I waver at times between isolating myself further and trying to engage other people and almost every time I try the latter I get burned. I'll stay open to opportunities but it's time for me to accept that all I honestly have is myself, and that's likely the way it'll be for the rest of my life. Some people have love and closeness and help and some people spend their lives alone and die the same way. Neither is inherently better, they're just different paths, and though one may be harder it is also freer and filled with more opportunity and possibility since consideration for other people and loved ones is often a massive constraint on what you can and cannot do.

I need to keep my focus inward, come to peace with my lot, figure out a direction I want to go, and just head off into the sunset. This procrastination isn't doing anybody any good and to tell the truth I grow tired of it.

Want to find a savior? Buy a fucking mirror.
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