Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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You may find in time that you were always right, you're always right.

I'm 21 years old today. Now that I am legally endowed with the freedom to drink alcohol all the major age based milestones are just downhill from here, like 35 (after which medical schools will no longer accept you as an applicant) or 40 (the current beginning of middle age) or 75 (the "depends" birthday.)

Yesterday while I was walking home after having lunch with Hee-Ann at the Happy Burger I stopped in a magazine shop to pick up some gaming rags, and on the way out I ran into a homeless man on the street begging for change. My belly was full of burger, I had two glossy magazines about my expensive hobby in my little plastic bag, and I felt sorry for this poor shivering member of the huddled masses, so I reached into my pocket and dropped 50 cents into his cup. He said

"Thank you...I'm sorry for my situation."

and I replied "Not your fault."

Those three words sprang naturally to my lips and as I walked away it struck me just how liberal that statement is and just how naturally it came.

I feel this segues nicely into what I actually want to talk about. I've done some thinking today, in between the napping, resting, and watching two great wins by New York football teams, one of which gives the Giants a chance to control their own destiny from here on out, and the main thing that I came up with is that I need to try to do more to establish my own identity.

I've taken steps in this direction already, distancing myself from the political views of my community and toughening up considerably, but I need to really delve internally and figure out who I am and who I want to be. I think I know to an extent but I'm somewhat afraid to actually consciously make an effort to bring it to the forefront because if I do it'll mean working even harder and a whole lot of uncertainty in a variety of realms.

I'm working on my New Years resolutions as a stopgap solution. I already have a few figured out but I'm not sure what direction I want to go or need to go. The thing about resolutions is that they need to be balanced between what's too easy to be a resolution (since you don't need to RESOLVE to do easy things, you can just do them) and what's too difficult (it's pointless to resolve to do something you cannot hope to accomplish.) An interesting dilemma. I did decently with last years although there is room for improvement and I need to figure out goals for next year.

Random other stuff:

My orthodox Jewish cousin called me to wish a happy birthday. I'm not ready to connect with him yet for a variety of reasons that nobody cares about so I'm not going to bother going over them.

I drank only tea and one glass of water on this my 21st birthday. Thus begins a life of tea-totaling with a symbolic gesture that perhaps came dangerously close to that nebulous menace called performance art. I want to do more of these symbolic life gesture things. They are pretty fun and harmless.

I am surprisingly content for the first time in a long time. I'm glad the semester's over, even if it wasn't satisfying. Of course if my grades don't end up being decent across the board I might change my tune but maybe not even if that happens. GPAs are more useful as a tool for success than a measure of merit, and right now I'm more concerned with the latter.

I need to be getting to sleep earlier and getting more sleep. Staying up until late in the night is a bad habit but I've been both busy and interested in certain activities I've been doing so it's hard to call it quits on a day and get between the covers. I think it's a good sign when you DON'T want to sleep, but a good sign that can lead to a bad habit and I will nip it in the bud along with other bad habits I want to get rid of.

The Giants beat the Colts and the BENGALS beat the SAINTS on my birthday so that my beloved New York Giants could have a shot at the playoffs. Does that make Jon Kitna my secret santa? Should I send him fanmail? Would he know what to do with it if I did? Would he even be able to figure out what it was?
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