First I talked to a friend of mine who seems to have pretty much given up on life. He talks about his only desire being a lack of desire and has other opinions clearly designed to degrade and invalidate things like ambition and meaning. It's interesting because I was there a few years ago and I still sympathize with that viewpoint. It's such a tenuous line that smart people walk to believe that there's something IN this society thing because we see the cracks, see the manipulations and tricks that most people use. I'm not trying to be arrogant here but so often I find myself dealing with people who seem genuinely happy mostly because they can't or won't see the little man behind the big glowing green head. The yellow brick road impresses them so much that they can't be bothered to wonder what the curtain's there for.
I talked to another friend and he was talking about some fucked up thing that happened to one of the guys at his job. It was one of those crazy things you read in a newspaper, shudder, and move on from only this time it was close to home. This is a world where terrible terrible things happen all the time. And there's no way to prevent them. No matter what we do or try to do, no matter how hard we labor we can't stop the world from being a land of mass slaughter, rape, and theivery. You can't hope to defeat it you can only hope to contain it. Of course in this case you can't really hope to do that either. You can only hope to slightly impede it.
The final conversation I had was with a high school buddy about what a helion I was back then. Man I used to be a prankster extraordinare. I remember some of the stuff I pulled and it makes leaving half melted ice cream on the doorstep of a girl who wouldn't take your calls (don't ask...just...don't...it's so VERY stupid and so VERY not me) look like wearing an ascot.
I remember refusing to take tests, sitting in the office of the English department head counting to one hundred twenty when she asked if I'd like to take a couple minutes to think about what I'd done, and being such a little punk in history class that the professor offered to bump up my grade if I would just sit there silently for the rest of the semester. Like THAT was going to happen.
I don't know where that part of me went. Now I'm accused of being a suck up. A SUCK up. Me, the guy who once demanded a lower grade on an essay because it was worse than a previous essay that had recieved a worse grade. The guy who openly read "Lies my teacher told me" in class and unleashed 5 minutes of laughter at the teacher's expense when she confiscated the book and the cover flipped open for the whole class to see.
Where did I go wrong?
I still have some of the same qualities. I can't be intimidated by people who are actually trying to intimidate me (as soon as I feel it's an actual challenge I become an immovable object while I can be rather timid when there's no direct conflict) I am still unconventional and talkative but the aggression and the desire to buck the system are gone.
I actually want them back I think.
All of this relates to the upcoming semester. I don't even want to think about it let alone refresh my registration. I will handle it but frankly I am tiring of school. I feel like nobody likes me there and the coursework is so easy that it's just a matter of sitting down and DOING it, or even not, when it should be so much more.
I feel like I'm not living my life and it's irritating me, only I don't know what it is I actually want. All my fantasies that actually involve me take place in the future and most of them take place in a future that is possible from the path I'm traveling. But I can't keep looking to the future. At some point I need to deal with life as it is right now but I don't know how.
I don't know the answers for myself even though I'm good at helping other people. I think it's that my problem is so personal and diffuse and yet so universal and specific. I mean that it is personal in that it's not something someone else can solve for me, but universal in that everyone goes through it in some way or another. It's diffuse in that it encompasses all aspects of life but specific in that it's a search for a certain subset that will fit. Maybe there isn't one.
You know for all those late night conversations over the internet or under the stars I've had very few people have matched me insight for insight. I feel a little cheated in that. I have more to give than most but I also need some for myself and it just isn't there...
I don't care if people think I'm arrogant for what I say anymore. Humility hasn't made me any friends. It all comes back to self sufficiency and the fact that I know only I can be there for me. At times it's alright but at times it just doesn't seem fair. Unfortunately fair is just a silly construct that seems to mean less and less as time goes by.