Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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My Highschool it felt more to me like a Jail cell, a penitentiary

Spent the day watching the championship games with an old friend from High School on my new Wega which I think I'm in love with. Seriously, we're considering eloping. It was a good time, it's been awhile since I've watched a big game with someone else and since I was rather indifferent to the outcome of the games I enjoyed bouncing jokes and ideas off him during the games. We had some great riffs on Don Cheadle and the fact that the Tennessee recievers were actually afraid of catching the ball (Does Steve McNair have a stinkpalm or something?)

We also spent some time reminiscing about High School. He reminded me of Ms McNally's classic "It's not Rocket Scientry" quote and bragged about his chest hair. I taunted him about the prom as is my duty whenever we meet or talk. Good times, good times.

It was nice to hang out with a New Yorker again. Sometimes I forget how different we can be from people in other parts of the country. Even New York transplants have a different attitude than natives. For example our last exchange went like this:

Me: It was nice knowing you
Him: You don't mean that
Me: You're right. Go watch a Joe Pesci movie you fucking loser.

This is a pretty mild exchange for New Yorkers but I've tried to do the same with people from other regions and they've looked at me like I'm a total asshole. Maybe it's just that he's a high school friend so a juvenile sense of humor is more appropriate but I miss swapping insults and taunts with friends.

It's almost 4 years since high school ended. I don't know how I feel about that. It's a long time and I haven't evolved all that much since then. I'm about to embark on the second semester of my junior year at college, what would be my senior year if I had been able to keep my shit together. I look at myself and I don't like what I see but I'm not sure how to change it. I feel trapped by expectations and even the modicum of success that I've had. I'm half lonely and half wishing that I was completely alone in the world. I still haven't dealt with my father's suicide. I need to lose weight. I need to gain more independence. I need a calling or a dream of some sort to cling to and yet I also need to let go of expectations and spend a lot more time in the moment.

I'm a mess on numerous levels and yet people don't see it because I have intelligence and because I'm strong enough not to crumble in public where people can see it. I've learned that when you're different in the ways that I am you can either choose victimhood or you can match the bullies word for word and punch for punch and at least maintain a level of dignity and self respect even if nobody else respects you.

I worry that I will be this way forever. I know how difficult it is to change and especially how tough it is to change something like your personality or habits, however I also know that seeing what you are doing wrong is one of the critical steps and I'm pretty good at that. My main problem is that doing what I know I should seems to go against my nature and I balk at actually going through with it because I worry that I'll just be miserable in a whole different way if I try to deny who I am.

I'm really having trouble forcing myself to cut back on the school this semester. I just want to take a bunch of different courses and not limit myself. But 6 never works and I need more time for myself so I will resist.

Sometimes I do wonder why I'm such a loser. I mean I definitely have made mistakes and I certainly don't hold anyone else responsibility but I am really not sure what's wrong with me. I guess it's one of those things where if you can see it you can fix it.

I miss the years when we were all in high school thinking about how our lives would really begin with college. There was hope there...and that's something.

Now I have very little hope. Enough strength to go on indefinitely? Yes...I think so. I'm going to be alright. But not much hope that things will get better for me. My future is a fringe existance of misunderstanding and at best empty achievement. I can't see another way.

Eh...this is just getting depressing and rather pointless. I'm just frustrated with the beginning of school and with my current state. Nothing to do but keep moving forward. It's that pesky 4th dimension. It doesn't wait for anybody.
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