Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The Cleaning lady came. I guess I didn't quite drive her to quitting. I knew that I didn't but sometimes I need to hurt and so I lie to myself. I also know that I probably will not kill myself, but it's easier to turn the rage inward than to admit that I am still truly irrate at my psychologist from the shit he pulled on me yesterday. He was angry because he felt that I insulted him and so he spent 45 minutes pushing buttons that I only ever told him about because I thought I could trust him not to push them.

Very unprofessional and very hurtful. Probably set back my trust for him several years. He does this shit from time to time and nothing good has ever come of it. Sometimes I feel that he's too comfortable with me and leaves behind the professionalism I bet he exhibits with his other clients. This can be good at times and bad at times. Anyway some of the stuff he said hurt me very deeply and I can't imagine that shoveling salt into decade old wounds is really going to speed my recovery in any way.

He accuses me of unforgivable arogance, thinking I'm smarter than everyone. I don't think that I'm the smartest person in the world, but I DO think that I'm smarter than him. He makes mistakes that I don't think I would make. Yesterday he behaved like a four year old. I had spend the morning attempting something VERY difficult for me, teaching a bunch of older people who didn't really respect me a subject which I wasn't entirely comfortable with (I knew far more than what I taught but I didn't know it on a super advanced level) and instead of recieving any sort of recognition or praise for going out there and trying something new I was called stupid and arogant and full of shit. This journal was used a weapon against me with quotes taken out of context and things that I only partially wrote down seen as sins.

My head was a total mess and he kept pounding away at me. This is not a situation where mere vulgarity would express what I want to say because it was a betrayel on a deep level. All those times I tried to force myself open, all the steps I've taken to try to heal and the person who'se supposed to help me just spent almost an hour confirming the fears I've been told are just bullshit. And he won't buy this either, he'll say I'm whining and full of shit and that these feelings and thoughts are just defense mechanisms. That I'm worthless and useless.

The same things I tell myself all the time.

I won't kill myself, but the world WOULD be better if I were dead.
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