Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If you're gonna walk on water could you drop a line my way?

My internship's over.

My mother's back from Africa.

Her new boyfriend picked her up at the airport and drove her home. He looked somewhat like Grizzly Adams though not in a mean way. He was not wearing furs but he did have a thick white beard.

I guess I should write about the end of my internship. More whimper than bang, as expected, the students actually weren't there on my last day having been let off because 3/4 of the staff was on vacation. My last day was spent stuffing envelopes for my mass (well only 104 so not THAT mass) mailing. I had to mailmerge labels and letters, make up the necessary flyers, and then assemble the materials and send them out. One of the fliers is for a bulk mailing room that is supposed to do exactly what I was doing, only it's staffed by people who have been convicted of crimes. The irony was not lost on me. I also didn't get a sponge so I had to lick all the envelopes to send out, thinking of that Seinfeld episode where Susan dies. There's nothing quite like the taste of envelope glue suffusing every portion of your mouth and paper cuts drawing a tiny trickle of coppery blood from one corner to make you glad it's your last day. When I finished I got to take my 100 letters and the rest of the court's mail to the post office box accross the street since apparently the post office doesn't do bulk pickups anymore after 9/11 and the anthrax scare. At least they gave me a plastic bag, which actually tore before I reached the elevator.

The day before that was slightly more cheerful. The students gave me a nice send off with lots of softball comments at my traditional TSI "roast toast & boast." I also got a nice Hallmark card which I did my best to appreciate, and two Christmas ornaments that said "great teacher" on them. I guess they never did quite nail down the concept of "Jew."

I gave them my email address so they can contact me whenever they want and their first assignment on monday was apparently to email me. I responded to each personally and I hope to maintain contact but not all at once. There's something intimidating about having 15 emails in your inbox each deserving of essentially the same response but also deserving a unique reply.

That girl who emailed me sent me a letter with perfumed paper. I didn't know they still made perfumed paper but I remember she used it 5 years ago. It's a pretty interesting experience to open a letter and smell a scent. I think that perfumed paper should make a come back among women and homosexual males. Straight males should avoid it because they would probably look for "beer" or "steak" scented stationary and disaster would ensue.

Some random events from my internship I didn't write about:

1) The biggest would probably the time my pants tore virtually in half during lunch and I had to teach afterwards. It happened because I had been machine washing dry clean only wool pants (I had mixed up the labels and...well...I'm not a smart man). One of my co-workers gave me a needle and some thread and I patched them up HORRIBLY and just went down and taught for 3 hours holding a book up to the stitching on my ass in a vain attempt to cover my shame. I was offered pants from the clothes closet but was too proud to take them. I am a dweeb. On the plus side I didn't let my horribly shame prevent me from giving a damned good lesson that the students enjoyed. I am proud of myself for at least forcing myself to do right by the students.

Did I mention I was wearing my laundry day underwear? You didn't like your appetite anyway, and now it's gone! All gone!

2) The amount of covering I did was pretty large. I had to take the class on two "field trips" (they weren't actually field trips becuase these are adults and they don't need shitty catchphrases) by myself and teach a bunch of classes solo. That was fine by me but nobody except Adrienne ever mentioned these acts. One time Katy did send down Jen and Dai to watch me work in an apparent attempt to insult me. It only sort of worked.

3) Numerous examples of getting undermined by the inconsistancy there. For example there was no standard on resumes, some people in the staff put objectives on some didn't, so no matter what I did the student would have it changed and then look at me with less faith the next time I offered to help.

4) On my last day there I was asked to sit around and twiddle my thumbs while a colleague helped a prostitute so there would be a witness to the proceedings and he couldn't be accused of sexual harassement or misconduct.

5) Being asked repeatedly what I wanted to be when I grow up. I'm not sure if this was meant as a subtle insult or a reference to my immaturity (in point of fact most of the students assumed I was at least 25) or just idle curiosity but damn it I thought I left that question behind in third grade.

I was tempted to say "space astronaut" or "Cowboy" but I think it would have been lost on most of the inquisitors.

Lots of weird stuff I did that I might speak of later.

P.S. This country is being ruled by evil. That kinda sucks.
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