Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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It's me

The more I read about mild forms of Autism like Aspberger's syndrome the more I am convinced that I probably have one. There's a lot about me that seems to match up well with such things. For example when I was younger and still today in private I always did the whole rocking back and forth in one place thing, and I used to do things with my hands, twisting them up while I was thinking or rolling pens and pencils in my fingers, that are similar. I definitely have the whole semi-autistic social withdrawal thing going on. There's also other keys to how my mind works, like I have sexual urges but I really don't need nor can I really imagine a relationship. I certainly don't want to sleep in the same bed as another person and I just can't conceive of that level of sharing. I get antsy after a few hours with a friend in my house.

I don't know. Maybe this is just reading induced psychohypochondria. I might just be making excuses. On the other hand I think that my behavior and my personal experience coincides pretty well with a very mild form of autism. I do stuff that other people just don't. I always eat the ice in a drink, whether at home or at a restaurant, and though if I consciously remember it I can avoid doing this it's just an urge I always get. I can spend many minutes at a time pressing my fingers into something sticky and peeling them off over and over and over, I love it, in fact there are stickers all over my house because of my doing this with just about every return label or anything else that gets sent my way. I shred paper subconsciouly, I always chew up popsicle sticks into woody pulp and I do a lot of other stuff that seems very much in line with the sort of repetitive simple behavior that autistics have. When I'm walking down the street I tend to focus inward and I don't respond to people calling my name for the most part, in fact I've noticed that I don't have much of a social smile, I have to sort of fake it.

I used to think of myself as just a loner but maybe it's more. The question then becomes should I seek treatment. The answer is I don't know.

Then again I've thought I was mildly dyslexic in the past because I tend to transpose letters and I often read stuff that isn't actually there. That's pretty common though, most high level readers don't finish words before they register and make mistakes for that reason.
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