Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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You say that you hate it. You want to re-create it

I have become strikingly depressed very quickly. I'm not sure why. I didn't do a great job on my English essay, but I won't beat myself up over that because I got sick during the period before it was due and only had a week to do it anyway so I didn't exactly keep putting it off or anything. Besides I am doing well in that class in other ways. I am the most vocal student in the class (nothing new) and my ability to analyze the poetry has made an impression on some of my classmates who I hear discussing my comments amongst themselves from time to time. That's not the reason.

I guess part of the problem is that now my future looks cloudier than it has before. Perhaps that's because college is coming to an end or perhaps it's because I've come to the realization that what I thought I would do (go into law) probably isn't for me. It's not that I don't think myself capable it's just that I don't think it's what I want. I still want to write, and maybe I'm partially depressed because my recent efforts have stalled. Unfortunately I can't tell if I'm depressed because I'm not writing or if I'm not writing because I'm depressed. I certainly do still have ideas I just don't have the...motivation to put them down on the virtual page.

Over the past couple of days I've been wondering if I should do a post-bat in pre-med and become a doctor. When I was like 6 I wanted to be a cardiologist/writer. It was an odd combination but maybe I should follow my dream. People are always talking about following bliss and maybe that's what I should do, although I don't know if I have the kind of dedication it would take. It's not something you just up and do unless you're going to follow through with it. I'm undirected.

While looking for my birth certificate recently I found a psychological evaluation of me when I was five brought on by my social withdrawal and fantasy life in school (Hey look! Recent themes I've been writing about.) It was interesting. It said that as a 5 year old I had poor motor skills (I still do) and above average intelligence, except for my verbal which was literally off the charts, as in I got every single answer on the exam right and scored above the 99.9 percentile. What verbal measured wasn't clear but apparently it included things like ability to conceptualize. I have mixed feelings reading this evaluation. On the one hand I'm surprised that my math skills were only at the first or second grade level and that my reading wasn't quite where I thought it had been at that point (I know it took off soon after and I was reading more than anyone else in class by 7). I was also surprised at the things I was ranked as "superior" in (that's how it's described in the evaluation) and interested in exactly how good my verbal skills were as a 5 year old. I have been saying for awhile that I thought as a youngster I might have had some extraordinary talent and it turns out that by at least some measure I did. On the other hand I feel like there's an element of wasted talent there and I feel bad for my young self knowing how the rest of his childhood and at least the beginnings of his adulthood would turn out.
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