Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I'm starting to shake some of my recent malaise. I've been able to watch some Anime and play some video games besides my baseball one, which may seem incredibly insignificant, cause playing video games and watching cartoons are not exactly productive activities, but it's the first step towards recovery for me. Being able to decide on a course of action and follow it through, no matter how trivial that course of action is, is one of the things I have the most trouble with. Hopefully by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to finish reading "Breakfast of Champions" (Vonegut is a good transitional author for me into more serious stuff because his books are full of interesting ruminations on life and existance as well as being incredibly entertaining) and then I should be able to move on to "The Crying of Lot 49" or "A confederacy of Dunces" before my mother (ugh ugh ugh) returns on August 10th.

I'm not sure how I feel about my psychologist at this point. I have calmed down, looked at the situation rationaly, and he has lost a lot of my trust. I've been thinking about canceling monday's apointment but I have a feeling that he would accept it quite readily. Do I want that? Am I really ready to stop seeing move on? I'm not sure. I didn't think so before, but my opinion changes rather easily and I think that it will probably take at least a couple months to repair the rift he has wrought. I don't know what I want in that respect. He's reading this and he hasn't responded, which means he thinks that he was still right, which means he's a fucking jerk. But maybe I shouldn't talk about such things in this forum lest people realize how truly fucked up I am.

I'm close to achieving closure with The Girl even though some people might argue that I shouldn't yet. If I do finish the closure process it means that if she does try to contact me I will rebuke it, leaving the situation in the Might Have Been catagory as I feel that I should have the first time. I won't blow her off because of the golden rule but I'll send a response which will make clear that we have no future in friendship. It's a moot point because there is a less than 5 percent chance that she will contact me, but I tend to overplan things anyway, and then the plans get thrown to the wind when the situation arrives and all the prethinking was for naught. But who cares?

Today was pretty easy and I'm thankful for that. Tomorrow might even manage to be productive but life remains hard and I remain hopeless. Recently I've taken to informing my cat that I am useless and worthless in the off chance that she can understand me (Yeah yeah, I know I'm actually telling MYSELF that I'm useless and worthless but I wanna play make believe right now) No matter what people tell me I still cannot have hope. I cannot achieve it. I cannot see a brighter future or a happy life. I have nothing to base it on. I can imagine myself 60 years old living in a big house with all the young couples in the neighborhood whispering to eachother about the wierd old geyser who lives alone and has no friends, or 30 years old turning down a date with a woman I have a crush on because I don't want to be the guy she marries after she's had her fun, but I cannot imagine anything that doesn't hurt.

Pain is comfortable. It is desireable. It feels good to feel bad. It's a contradiction but I think it's the fact that when I feel hurt I can feel sorry for myself. I can comfort myself.

I have slipped through the cracks and there is nobody to pick me up again and I don't care enough to try to pick myself up. I'm not suicidal at the moment but I can see myself becoming suicidal soon. I don't really mind. My life IS worthless useless excrement. I AM a nothing.
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