Right now I'm staying up late reading www.actsofgord.com and contemplating. Mostly about the past and the future. The high point of my life came when I was like 10-12 years old. Not that I was overly happy mind you, but I was just starting to feel some degree of freedom and I had a good number of friends, was competing pretty well in little league baseball, basketball, and football upstate and, of course, my father had yet to commit suicide. I can think of isolated good times since, and times that have grown more appealing in retrospect like living in Capetown, but nothing that isn't overshadowed by the gray times. Not the bad times, though there have been plenty of times, but the limbolike stretches of greyness where nothing much happened in my life one way or the other except that I advanced steadily through the educational system, grew bigger both vertically and horizontally, and developed a greater degree of cynacism.
For some reason I have been flooded with nostalgia tonight, remembering what it was like to be young and how much pleasure came from simple things like a haystack or finding a crawfish in a stream, not to mention the glories of unwrapping a videogame on your birthday or spending a night out under the country stars without any parents around.
I wonder if that feeling is ever duplicated later in life. That feeling of unrepentant wonder. Is it replecated in the first kiss, sex, marriage, the creation of a child? Can it be regained by just finding the right trigger? Something presumably rarer than a haystack but hopefully easier to locate than a needle. I assume it can be chemically induced but I'm not all that interested.
In terms of the future I have two visions. One is a fairly rich fantasy life of possible futures (Sure it's not exactly realistic but hey, with my grades I COULD become a prominent lawyer or a dozen other possible things) and the other is my actual thought process which is drawing a blank. At this point beyond going back to school post-bat in film I can't think of anything I'd REALLY want to do. I don't have anything I want to go to graduate school in and I'm not ready for law school right now, at least in terms of interest. The one thing I do know is that I want to get out of New York city. The most peaceful times I've had in the past 9 years have been out in the fresh air of the country. While there are certainly advantages to living in a big city I have to say that personally I would feel more comfortable out away from the thronging masses where I could walk through unmanicured wilderness and actually experience simple things like silence, darkness, and truly fresh air. Beyond that...who knows. Things are open right now, and not in a good way. More blank than anything else.
Right now I'm really pissed at Quebec, not because it's done anything to me but because I'm just now learning about the extent of the vile french language laws, horendous byproducts of mass tyranny. I would think anyone living in Canada let alone that accursed province would be disgusted by such blatent evil but I guess they are too busy dealing with the welfare system, either paying into it or living large on it.
I had other things to say but it's late and I have class and once again I don't care enough at the moment.